missing him again

why is it that i'm missing him more when he's making his presence felt once in a while than when he is totally absent?

here are some lines inspired by missing my "pare" (we are not really magkumpare. tawagan lang), but not dedicated to him~

how i'd love to see you again
even for just a few seconds
i would, if i could buy a single moment
of having our eyes met
of having the chance to smile at you
then i'd keep that single picture in my mind
of you smiling back at me

tonight, i'd like to have you in my dream
to feel like it was real
those moments that have gone
when i was still your princess
when i was your beautiful & nice friend

how i'd love to know
that you are missing me too

(sa lahat naman ng senti, bakit ako corny? haaayyy...)

play> (how abt w/ ur heart?)

C’mon jam with me. I’ll try to strike the right chords of your favorite songs. We’ll play a crazy repertoire. I’m gonna rock your world. You’ll surely be the first one to get tired.

C’mon bring your racket. We’ll go smashing at the court. I’ll give you a good game for as many hours as you like. Though I perspire a lot, you’ll surely be the first one to give up.

Let’s play! We’ll have some fun. Don’t worry when you’re exhausted; You can always quit anytime.

How about our hearts? Let’s play with them, too...

my favorite things>>

happy holidays!

Merry Christmas to all!

I'm only trying hard to make an entry because it's been a long time since I last posted any. So, "Do you have the time to listen to me whine about nothing and everything all at once?" Let me blabber as I bore myself (& u, if u may) to sleep...

I'm not in the mood to think and work, but I want to get a lot of things done. Well, I believe you know how that feels. Times like these happen. It's hard to focus on one thing when there's so much you want to give your attention to. Now, I just want to have a new entry although there's really nothing I want to post on my blog. I will blabber more...

It's past 2AM. I have recently disciplined myself of getting up early to make it to the new 7am-4pm working hours for govt employees. I am not bound to break it anytime soon. So I have to wake up at 5am at the latest if I ever sleep at all. So good luck to me!

I miss badminton. The tourney was over. My partner made it only up to the semis. A sad thing. Last week championship was fantastic! My teammates playing for women's doubles who made it to the finals won. And so was the team I cheered for in men's doubles, in which game the 2nd & 3rd set needed tie-breakers. A happy thing! It was also the Christmas party of that badminton club. To add a little fun, they held raffle during breaks in the game where at stake among others were t-shirts, tumblers, shoebags, a racket bag, and the most coveted prize of a racket. After the games, the lucky winner of the grand prize was called and you guessed it right, it was me! A happy happy thing!

It was a Yonex Armortec 9000 which they said costs less than 2 thou. It's just right that I got it since I know most players in that club already have rackets that cost a lot more than that. And I'll be the one who would overwhelmingly appreciate it not only because my old racket's price is less than a third of the new one I got for free, but because it's so good enough for me to inspire me to play better. You see, I'm not good at this sport even if I am passionate about it, and I am not just being modest here. That racket has not yet been broken in. My friends who I play with are not around, if not very busy, for the holidays. Well, maybe I won't miss playing much while the holiday rush is on. I still haven't shopped for gifts!

Last weekend was spent on five different Christmas-related "get-togethers". Not much partying and exchange gifts these days, I think. Just getting together for food, drinks, and stories (or videoke) is enough for a quality fellowship. And it should always happen while it's dark. We sleep when the sun is up. But on weekdays, it cannot be the case. Haay...

Okay, I will stop blabbering now. I pray that I soon stop procrastinating. Isn't it time to make resolutions? I guess I need a lift in spirit. It's not that I'm sad. In fact, this yearend is way happier than my last one. And I am inspired! Don't you think it's contradicting to be inspired and be lazy at the same time? Oh well, I have a theory, and this has always been my finding - I lack sleep that's why I cannot focus and am disoriented most of the time. Didn't I just say I will stop blabbering now?!

I'll go to bed. Again, Merry Christmas to all! Godspeed...

in like

I like you a lot
And I just write these pathetic lines
As I could not begin to tell you that
I really like you a lot

These words
Trying to express how I feel about you
Have nothing else to say but
I simply like you
They will never reach you

I can say it over and again
I like you, I like you, I like you
It will be written all around
It doesn’t say anything else at all

It will never reach you
I like you a lot
That’s what I know


(this is not dedicated to anyone. kunyari lang im "in like". whatevah!)

unsolicited

I only had a few hours of sleep since I went to bed at 3am coming from the gig of Paolo Santos last night at altered native bar with my friends. And I had to get up early for the 8am mass where the choir I just joined was scheduled to serve.

This morning was the first time I joined the choir. Officially, that is. There had only been about two occasions when I happened to be with this choir group on service because I was with some members who are my friends. But I was not part of it. I had always resisted their invitation since I could not commit to it due to inconvenience in distance as I live far from their area of service, although I hear mass in a church in their place. This time, I finally acceded their invitation again since I really wanted to join a choir, not to say that they badly needed more persons to sing. And I was more than glad to help.

Also this morning, I got this request from two choir members for me to join their band they're trying to revive. As the lead vocalist, my dear! I couldn't believe they are seriously considering me. I heard them joked about it one jam session a long time ago, but I never imagined they'd really get to the point of courting me to join them. I was in such a hard situation surprised by it all, and knowing that performing was part of my fantasy. I have this big, hidden star complex, you know. There was no way it could be for real. I just can't do that, I told them stage fright, etc. It was such a pain hearing them plead, encourage, and trust me when I couldn't give a yes or a no. Neither answer could give me peace. Sigh!

(I have more kwento pa sana abt today e. kaso na-overwhelm na ko sa nasabi ko so far. im sure, more overwhelming pa yung next na nangyari kasi napasok na naman ako sa isang malaking responsibilidad. the yr ahead will surely be hectic. haay buhaay!)

Another thought. Despite the busy day and my dizziness, I still remembered that it had been a year since that day I spent a happy time with the guy I loved the greatest (i think) so far. I missed him again. And it don't look like I'll ever stop my wondering about him yet.

sleep

i love sleeping. yesterday i had more than enough sleep. govt work was suspended due to the much feared super typhoon yoyong. it's already good news that this storm didn't do more damage than typhoon winnie or than what was predicted.

sleep is luxury to me. i don't think time spent on sleeping is ever a waste. i don't get enough of it so many times, so whenever i get the chance, u know what i do.

and i think there's another reason why im (more lethargic?) like this. apart from sleeping, im doing a lot of daydreaming. that explains why iv not been productive lately. i just want to think about my new crush. yikes! well, he's someone i like a lot but not the kind who would ever be for me. because he's a man who must be a decade and a half my senior, and must be married and have kids. there's always a "po" whenever i speak to him.

but i like him as he is. maybe he's my ideal man. i think of him as how a man should be. i just love his peronality! we're not close though. he is all nice! oh no, i can't start telling all the good things i see in him. it just won't be fair. i really have this big admiration for him. i can only hope that i'll meet a man like him who could be for me.

just the other day, he saw me while i was in a hurry busy texting and in a bad hair and greeted me, "good morning, del!" when i looked up, i just said "ay, good morning din po!" i got flustered instantly. that was when i began to realize i have a special feeling for him, though i find it really odd. i don't know, maybe it's the age difference and the certainty of his having a family of his own that makes it odd.

i see him a lot by accident. that's what iv been constantly replaying in my head. those fortuitous meetings are strange, not because of their form, but of their frequency. how could his passing by a place i happen to pass by at the same moment occur many times? of course it doesn't mean anything. it's just a happy thought. haha! (basta yun. tama na nga!)

flashback

It’s a gloomy, rainy day today. Last year, November 22 was a Saturday. And it was a hot day. I remember it quite clearly.

It was a very hectic day for me. I got up early and readied myself for the several tasks ahead. When I left the house, I was carrying a heavy bag containing the materials I would need for a meeting later. I also brought an extra shirt, as I saw I’d surely be drenched in sweat long before the day was over.

So many tasks there were indeed that they took so much of my time and energy and compromised my other responsibilities. The stress and the heat were sure to have drained me. At close to evening, I changed into the shirt I brought before going to the meeting with my two friends. It was for our overdue project.

Since my friends had been waiting almost in vain for me since noon, they settled to work in one’s boarding house and not in our usual fast-food hangout. I knew I was looking so haggard when I met with them. I was really already exhausted that I just wanted to quickly finish my part in that project to be able to finally rest at home. But I had to get going with the work so I shouldn’t be thinking of rest yet. What a consolation that my host friend treated us with delivered stuffed-crust pizza.

Oh, I remember that day like it was only yesterday. It was the day I was swept away. Because someone I knew and loved, and still wondered about once in a while from three years back, showed up. He was offered a slice of the pizza. What an intrusion he was to our work. But then I was instantly stunned to mind the distraction he was making.

We started with a few words. Then more words were exchanged between us. Then I don’t know. In my mind, I can vividly playback the words and the scenes. But what happened to me was inexplicable. As something beautiful started between us. Something that changed me. From that moment. From that day…

It was one of those beautiful things that were not meant to last. It has then become something beautiful to remember. Like today, when a year has just passed since then.

But it is a gloomy day today. The pouring of rain doesn’t seem to ever end. What a suitable mood to reminisce a warm day a year ago.

Oh You, Charmer!

Please stop
Don’t try to work your charm on me again
I just might yield to it so easily
And fall to romanticizing anything you say

How can you not simply forget me
When you already have someone?
Why are you still around
Bugging me with all your sweet nonsense?

Stop teasing me
Stop saying the nicest things

How can’t I resist your little game?
How do I keep on letting you hurt me?


(This is so corny, though this is how I feel. I’m a helpless romantic!)

Oops, Heart!

There you go again, heart,
You're testing your resilience again.

How many times did you claim to have let go?
You're supposed to be moving on by now,
For goodness' sake!
Have you forgotten that you shouldn't have given in?

I'm afraid for you, heart.
You're on a standstill again.
Tsk tsk tsk! You can be so tenacious,
So dangerously tenacious!

There you go declaring again:
"I know where I stand.
I'm in control. Blah blah blah…"

Oh, heart,
You're in another jeopardy.
You're likely to be drenched in tears in no time.

But what's the point of this, heart?
You're as stubborn as ever!

sleepless

why was i supposed to have slept 3 hours ago?

- i already didn't get enough sleep the previous night
- i didn't get my usual noontime nap in the office because i met up with my bestfriend from davao, since i love him and i couldn't let the only time we had to see each other pass
- i got very tired from pressure at work and new personal concerns
- i have a due work tomorrow which has to be impressive to make up for my lapses today from which i was reprimanded as they might cause a big trouble to the case handled by my boss attorney
- i need more energy since i'd be staying late the next day for a badminton practice
- i have to get up early to prepare what i'll wear to the office and the so many things i'll need to play badminton
- lack of sleep shows on my face and disorients my thinking

but it's past midnight and i'm not yet sleeping because, again, i got hooked on the internet. and i have yet to eat my supper and wash my face, at least. i'm damned!

Confession Part II (tnx 2 frndster)

I haven’t said all in the first confession. Of course, I couldn’t say all, not only for the shame, but also for the triviality of it. Yes, it can get more trivial than this. But here I’ll speak of one night that happened more than a week after that call.

One day while at the office, a situation kept flashing in my mind - I was logged on to my friendster and was searching for his account using his email address. That act in my head was like a dream because I wasn’t deliberately thinking about it. I knew he didn’t have any friendster account as he said he didn’t have time for such. And there was really none when I tried searching for it a long time ago. So it surprised me that night, when I got home and did what had been flashing in my head during the day, to find that he already has a friendster account!

It was a very new account. Last log in was on the day that I called him up, and it seemed that it was also the day he signed up in friendster. There wasn’t much there. But it surely is his account because I put his email ad in the user search which months ago resulted in zero matches. No picture. The profile only contained his name, his age, his location, and had one friend in his list of friends. And in the required field of status, it was no shock to me at all that it indicated he is “in a relationship”.

It didn’t really shock me, because I already knew that he has a girlfriend. But I felt something weird. The information somehow awfully affected me. I couldn’t recall what went in my mind then. But I texted him something like this: Hi, jst saw u already hav frndster. it’s quite new. ddnt know ur in a rel. kaya pala u dnt ask me out anymore ksi di n un pwde. :c joke! niwey, gud luck in luv & career.

A little later, he replied that he just woke up from a weird and violent dream and thought it must be because of his present confusion at work. So we had a little exchange about it until he told me he had to do an assignment. Then I said something like: ok. do ur assgnmnt na. nxt time n kita intervw abt ur luvlife. secretive ka e, u tel me so many things abt urself xcept on dat subject. He replied that he was watching tv and wouldn’t do the assignment yet, so I may go ahead.

I asked him: who’s the lucky girl? gano n kyo ktagal? He answered something like: medyo matagal na. eversince college pa naman may gf na ko kaso nag-break kami. i have a new gf now. I replied: ya, u told me abt break-up w/ d old 1. san mo natagpuan c new 1? frm work? frm school? border? neighbor? He only reacted: andami mo naman tanong.ü

There was only one question. He obviously just didn’t want to answer it to which I know the answer. In my first confession, I said that I learned about his having a girlfriend months ago from a friend. It’s not that we have any common friend at all. My friend only happened to know him because they live in the same boarding house. So there… (Pardon my disorganized narration. I didn’t plan to give a lot of details but I’m afraid I got carried away.)

Receiving no response from him, I texted: di k n nga sumagot.it’s ok.2 personal e.bt il tel u it feels strnge knwin abt it only nw,cnsidrng ol dats bin sed.u may nt undrstnd wat i mean.i also dnt.sodntask. His reply: ur ryt, i dont understand wat u mean.

And so it became apparent that the things I considered to have been said between us were only things that have been joked about. I’d been so good in over-romanticizing. I’d been so wrong about him all along.

I told him to not mind my little strange feeling, and then said “nyt”. He said ok and good night.

I have yet to tell my friends about this foolishness. Maybe I’ll refer them to these confession entries anytime that I’m ready. So much for my happy ending…

Confession of a Foolish Girl

This was one of the most foolish things I did. But I don’t seem to regret it now. Believe me, it was beyond my normal courage to have done it - I called him!

It’s been a couple of weeks ago when that fateful night happened. That had been the day after my birthday, and about two months of hearing nothing from him. It is to be understood that I have ceased communication with him when I casually learned from a friend that he has a girlfriend. It caused a pain I kept to myself and on that impulse I deleted his cell phone number in my phonebook. The affected me didn’t want to text him anything that might give off my distress.

We had been constantly communicating through texts but he never told me about his girl. That was considerably strange if you know that he had kept me updated about his life in a way that would give the impression he is unattached, not to say the little teases he would hint for us, which I would always dismiss because it makes me uneasy, considering the obvious, that I like him. So bad. It was strange keeping that part of him from me knowing we have some friendship, not to say that he was intending to go out with me again, which turned out to be empty words of intentions.

I couldn’t text him. But he could still text me. And I would know if it was him by the first four digits of the unsaved number, and of course, by the familiar way he would start a conversation. But he never texted. And that was unusual. And I wondered why. And I stopped myself from wondering because it was useless. Or because it was damaging me. And so it was that on the night of that second month, I summoned all the strength I could to finally call him. Not to say anything, but to know what he has to say, if there would be any.

Being home alone that night must have caused that force of inspiration, apart from my desire to stop speculating. I picked up the phone and asked for him. For almost a minute that I had to wait for him to get the call, I almost put the phone down. Then he was on the line. Yes, why? I really had nothing to say. Nothing. That was more of the unusual call when it was the caller who waits for the message. I couldn’t demand for him to tell me something, right? Good thing he asked how am I and commented why I didn’t just text. I said I’m fine and that I lost his number. He said he already gave me his new number, anyway, he would text it to me later. And so began our usual updates in life. Latest movies, troubles at work, next plans, blah blah blah.

He texted after that call and asked when is my birthday. How weird he asked. I told him so because it was only yesterday. He greeted me and asked what was I doing. I was already connected to the internet then so my very late reply didn’t get a response.

He never mentioned about his love life still. Not even when we were texting again about his plans and confusion at work to which he was feeling helpless about. Anyway, a few times I hinted on that subject to him, but he just wouldn’t yield to it. Oh, well.

I haven’t told anyone about this. My friends would probably understand my act, but I couldn’t yet start telling them. I’m still ashamed of such foolishness. This confession is supposed to be an outlet while I try to overcome the feeling of shame.

I'm MRAZmerized

I’ve recently got myself a copy of Jason Mraz’ live album Tonight, Not Again: Jason Mraz Live at the Eagles Ballroom. It’s the best! Oh no, there’s no way that this is an attempt at reviewing that great CD. I just won’t give it justice. (See, I’m no good at making reasons, although I claim to be sensible. Yah, weird.) But I want here to express my love for Mraz music and my happiness for having the album.

Whoever likes Mraz music should have the CD. And surely, anyone who likes good music or good poems will not be disappointed to have it. Half of the tracks in the CD are songs that were previously unreleased, or if they were ever released somewhere, they’re not included in Waiting for my Rocket to Come album. His live versions are simply ah, mrazmerizing!

I said poems; here are a few lines from the song Unfold:

my hands are high
and I’m holding on, I’m holding on
and I figure that I, figure that I just might make it
and I’m waking empty
but seldom sleeping
and the words repeat breathing histories into stories untold
and I unfold

and here’s from the song Tonight, Not Again, written with Jenny Keene, who wrote the poem of same title from which the song was adapted:

The night.
She brushed her hands upon my flushed cheek
Smelled of childhood remnants of a dusty weeping willow
Clouds soothe, Shredded by the calico
Were oh so vast and quick as I was on my own now.
This time like every other time I believe that I never find
Another sweet little girl with sequined sea foam eyes
Ocean lapping voice smile coy as the brightest quiet span of sky
And I'm all alone again tonight not again, not again, not again.
And don't it feel alright. and don't it feel so nice. Lovely.

I don’t often rave this much about an album. Or about an artist, for that matter. I adore Jason Mraz for making the beautiful music that he does, for writing those songs, and for the passion he gives for his art. I find that passion most evident in his live performances such as in his Live in Manila concert early this year and in songs and videos that can be downloaded from the internet. So what a fortune that he came up with this live album.

When I thought of making this entry about the CD, I was afraid I’d only repeat saying “It’s great”. If I could write better, I would have properly described how good this Mraz album is. But to readers, just understand that I love the album and so I’m happy. This one’s something I will treasure.

A List of Some of my Favorite Songs:

Here are just some of my favorite songs. Here are those that immediately came to mind, or among those that I’ve always declared and will readily enumerate as my fave songs, or those songs that people who know me can easily identify as my favorite. But of course, there must be countless other songs that I love to listen to, sing, and play on the guitar, over and over.

Uninvited by Alanis Morissette
Sleep all Day by Jason Mraz
Stay (I Miss You) by Liza Loeb
Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen
There’s No Easy Way by James Ingram
Everybody Hurts by R.E.M.
Gray Sky Morning (Best I Ever Had) by Vertical Horizon
Overjoyed by Stevie Wonder
If I Keep My Heart Out of Sight by James Taylor
Take a Bow by Madonna
Ulan by Rivermaya
Sunny Came Home by Shawn Colvin
Tabing Ilog by Barbie’s Cradle
True Colors by Cindy Lauper
Stuck in a Moment by U2
Again by Lenny Kravitz
Never Letting Go by Stephen Bishop
No Such Thing by John Mayer
My Stupid Mouth by John Mayer
Tonight, Not Again by Jason Mraz
You and I Both by Jason Mraz
King of Pain by The Police/Sting
Grow Old with You by Adam Sandler
Swept Away by Christopher Cross
You Were Meant for Me by Jewel

senti 'no?

bday senti

I turned 24 yesterday. Although I was pressured to treat people out, I didn’t bother. No budget for that. But a few gifts still came, and some cards. Thanks to my thoughtful friends, especially to those who somehow found a way for me to celebrate the day. Because I really didn’t plan anything.

Now I wonder why I thought of friends who happened to forget. Some of them are close friends for years. I wonder how this time they failed to greet me. Not even a belated one, so far. Should that make me sad? I believe I shouldn’t, but I feel a little disappointed. It’s easier to accept for acquaintances to not care about your birthday, but not so with close friends.

So I’ll just have to accept that they’ve forgotten. For surely, it can’t be that they remembered but chose not to greet, di ‘ba? And still, some would’ve remembered had they not been so busy- as almost all my peers claim and complain to be- or had they not totally lost touch, which is a really sad thing. Sigh.

I’ve always reminded myself: people would come to my life, but there’s nothing I can do to make anyone stay. It’s beyond me- or my charms, or my coercion. Nothing. Not even my love. And I must also continually learn that I may not have to understand the so many “endings”, manifestly or not, that never ends to happen.

Anyway, I still feel blessed to have dear persons who never quit putting up with my weirdness. I’m grateful to those who keep in touch. I miss those who have lost touch. We may find each other again.

This birthday is more of the time when I reminisce people in my life than it is an occasion when I am remembered.

a blog as a diary

i never intended for this blog to be sort of an online journal. but let me try it just for today-

this had been a very exasperating day. i only got to sleep for less than an hour because i was hooked to the net during the time i should've been lying in my bed. it was hard getting up knowing i could not take a leave from work again because that would have to be taken on the next next day. so i tried hard fighting sleepiness and in the effort, i appeared energetic. but my disorientation became invincible after lunch break when, after taking a nap, i couldn't bring myself to work. i thought i was going to be ill! but going home was not an option. i had an important meeting tonight.

so what did my disoriented mind come up with? halfday again! well, i went to a nearby salon owned by my tito to have a haircut. but not right away, i told him, 'cause i was feeling dizzy. and so he offered me a cubicle in his day spa. that was where i slept for two office hours. back at the salon for my hair trim and treatment, the stylist told me he thought i must be pregnant. no arguments, i showed some signs. haha!

i had the afternoon spent recharging, ready to spend the new energy for a long night ahead. at the mall, i returned rented vcds, bought a pair of slippers, and got disappointed over the unavailable size of my chosen cardigan. at the next mall, i met up with the team. we transferred to another house for the meeting. we were informed of our challenging tasks and the little time we have for them. then i was tired again.

at home, instead of resting, i'm in front of the computer screen again...

GK777

an invitation-

on October 1 & 2, GK777 will be celebrating its 2nd anniversary at The Fort Bonofacio Global City. GK stands for Gawad Kalinga and GK777 expresses its vision of building 700,000 houses in 7,000 communities in 7 years. now, individuals and partners from corporations and international sponsors continue to grow in line with this dream of building the nation.

this is for our country, for its people, and for its children's future. i'm inviting all to get involved. if you know anyone who's a member of any CFC ministry, ask her/him about GK. it will be great if you can attend the event on October 2. there will be expo (exhibits) all day & night. concert on sat night. the artists are donating their talent fees to GK. we say, "no more slums". we say, "no one is too poor that he cannot help; no one is too rich that he cannot care". Kasali tayo dito!

Dear Pare,

Hi there! I hope everything's doing well for you.

Uhm, well, my heart has just been broken. I've been pretending that I'm okay. You see, I'm not all that what-you-see-is-what-you-get type of person. It's just not easy to be true at times. Like these times, I put up a happy disposition despite the brokenness inside. If you'd only seen me today, you might find that I'm in an unusual hyperactive state. I'd laugh at the simplest blooper of my colleague. I guess I've already become used to keeping things to myself. But I can't escape this real loneliness, which is only stronger when no one is around.

Maybe the man only needed a distraction. So when he came around, after two years of no contact whatsoever, and just out of a long-term relationship, he tugged at my heart without so much of an effort, that I must be more distracted than he wanted for himself. After all, he was the man I fell for years ago, who I still thought of once in a while and hoped to see again one day. The day came. And my heart couldn't help but fall instantly. That was really crazy, pare! I didn't know why you once asked if I'm impulsive. I only replied that I don't think so. Maybe you think I am, don't you?

Pare, do I sound like I hate the man? 'Cause I don't blame him for my broken heart? It's not that I've been played, right? I understand that some people who come to our lives, including those we come to love deeply, are not bound to stay long. We can't make anyone stay. Though realizing that doesn't make me invulnerable, I shall give in to this acceptance. I'll be fine, pare. And I hope you will also pray that it will be soon.

Anyway, it's so sad that you're drifting away. You may have no idea that you are loved this way. No idea that you caused me a broken heart. I will surely miss you, pare. But I'm letting you go.


*this is just a blog entry. unsent.

broken

I'm lost.
These times, I've become a different person. It feels like I've been kissed by a "dementor" - that I can't be happy anymore. It feels like tonight, I can write the saddest lines. But I'm not good with words. I only try to write to unburden my heart. But no, I don't make sense! There's nothing to unburden because my heart is a void. Can emptiness be a heavy thing? Maybe it's that unbearable lightness of emptiness of the heart. Am I on in an infinite sadness?

I had thought I'm a hopeful romantic. I'm the kind who seems always inspired. I'm passionate. I love deeply. I love until it hurts. I have to kill myself to stop loving. But I'm not suicidal. So now I'm lost. I don't want to love, but I can't not love. I'm lost! It doesn't make sense.

your smile

i begged for your smile
because it is my reason to smile
but you gently refused
so i started to pout
then you looked down
and just as suddenly looked up
showing me a lopsided smile
i loved so dearly
and i gave out a laugh
that you could not resist to share


(written while waiting for my turn in a bank; 01/28/04)

1st entry

oh well, i have really nothing to say. i just wanted to post something as soon as i joined this blogspot thing. it's past 1am & that's way past my bedtime, so...