pagtingin

maaari bang
panoorin lang kita
at hindi muna kausapin

nais lang kitang tingnan
nang walang alinlangan
habang ika'y tumatawa
nagmumukmok
nakikipagkwentuhan
walang ginagawa
o nagmamasid din

gusto ko sanang
huwag mo munang pansinin
kung ako'y nananahimik
pagmamasdan lang kita
na panatag ditong
nagpapaanod sa panonood

dahil hanap kong damhin
na nariyan ka lamang
na walang dapat ipag-alala

at kapag kasama kita
kahit hindi na kita tingnan
sapat na
basta kapiling na kita
sapat na


(para ito sa isang nakilala.. kaso hindi na pwede.. haaayy sadness..)

tuwing umuulan

tuwing umuulan
naaalala mo ako
dahil kaya may dala itong lungkot
kung kaya nais mong may makasama?

sa t'wing uulan
ika'y nagpaparamdam
at sinisimulan natin ang pag-uusap
tungkol sa mga bagay na lumipas

taglay ng pagbabago ng panahon
ang pareho nating pagpapaanod
sa mga damdaming inaalala
at ito'y ating kinasanayan

kaya't kung dumarating ang ulan
alam kong maaalala mo ako
di ko na lamang tiyak
kung mas una na kitang naiisip

marami na ang pagbuhos
na tayo ang magkaramay
nagpapalipas ng lumbay
nang-aaliw, nagpapaaliw

ito man ay lilipas din
darating ang tag-ulan
na maaaring ako'y maalala mo
ngunit di ka magpaparamdam
itong ambon ay magdadala ng mga patak
na galing sa mga mata

moonstruck

[adj.1.mentally deranged. 2.dreamily romantic or bemused.]

the moon was full that night. it had been an exhausting day but the cool breeze relaxed my body. it had been weeks since then on one of those weekly gatherings but it didn't become the usual night because someone happened to be sweet to me again. was he really sweet or was he simply inspired to be a little more nice to me, i couldn't tell. but perhaps, i had only been moonstruck.

he used to have my heart about 3 years ago. but i took it back when it seemed he didn't want to have anything to do with it when he broke it unintentionally. he knew it and he was sorry.

that night, he was suddenly in his mood of years back of being close to me.

i was in my solitary moon-watching outside the assembly room when he distracted me. he had nothing particular to say. i had forgotten the last time just the two of us talked for that long. we get to meet a lot of times but always with our group of friends. so there was unease and some nostalgic feeling in me the whole time we were together. when i commented about how beautiful the moon was, he agreed saying that it was romantic because it was full. he had engaged me in a conversation while we keep looking at the sky.

i wondered if he had sensed my uneasiness. i wondered if he remembered the past. i wondered why i was wondering. i wondered whether it could be because i still have special feeling for him, or only because of its memories. i wondered if he misses me the way i miss him at times. i even wondered if i should be bothered by it at all.

weeks had passed since then. i knew there was nothing to that unusual encounter with the man i loved. there was only a memory to recall, on that night a dreamer bathed under the moon.

keeping dry

it rained all of a sudden one high noon. i didn't have my umbrella with me; i had my sunglasses instead. feeling all alone, i found shelter in a lobby of a building where i had managed to run to before the heavy downpour. i felt so helpless that my spirit was dampened than my body had avoided to be. i was worried being stranded as i won't be able to accomplish what i had to do in the little time i could afford for the task. i would be damned for that lapse.

of the few things i had with me then, i was most thankful to have my cellphone. someone had kept me company in my unexpected misery. of the people who could have been the one to console me, i was glad that it was him who allowed to be bothered. it so happened that he started some catching up thru texting before it rained. and so it was to him that i expressed my woe. he said words to ease my worries.

my spirit was damp. but he prevented it from becoming drenched, for the way he was concerned had brought in a little sunshine. it had not brought me out of trouble from work and school, but he had kept me dry somehow.

morissette & mraz

Alanis and Jason. They're my top favorite music artists. It got me excited to have learned that they did a concert tour together. Excited only about the idea, and of course not of getting the chance to see them together. How could that be? Unless i won an all-expense paid trip to see the show. I'm not sure if it would matter that I'd have no company, the free ticket was not even possible. Anyway, it really was thrilling for me. I could only wonder how they would present their distinct kind of music in one show.

Alanis is celebrating the 10th year of her jagged little pill (JLP) album. Could you believe it had been that old? I remember my highschool & college days when i used to yelp with her songs which i memorized (even the tongue-twisting angsty parts) and which i never get tired of playing over and again with my guitar or on my cassette player. I listened to her tapes even if they've become old. I loved her up to the next few albums that she released, although she wasn't as phenomenal in later years. JLP had been my most favorite album for a long time, that's for almost a decade.

Then Jason introduced himself to me through his Waiting for my Rocket to Come album. His music was not something that i liked on the first impression. Actually, i only got curious of the album when i chanced upon reading the lyrics. How i loved the lines! And so i purchased the album at the time when YOu and I Both was already on the airwaves, meaning when it has long been released with the first single Sleep All Day. I liked many of the songs then pretty soon, they grew on me (as they say), and i decided the album to be my most favorite. Sleep All Day even became one of my top fave songs, considering it never appealed to me when it was a hit. So there, i memorized more tongue-twirling lyrics of Mraz' fast songs.

It makes me happy knowing that they appreciate each other's music. I never imagined they'd have some connection since they don't make the same type of music. But maybe they do, on the aspect of making reflective, personal, and thoughtful songs- the things i love about their art.

Alanis released an acoustic version of JLP. Jason came out with Mr.A-Z, containing 3 original songs. Can i hope that one day soon they'll do a concert together here?

(BTW, i'm also wishing that Rivermaya & Bamboo will do a back-to-back concert. My friends said it could never happen. But should it be possible, it surely will be a blast.)

due to the insistent demand...

of chum, i'm writing this entry. but since i was only compelled by her insistence, including on those occasions when we personally talk, she might not be pleased by this kind of response. because there will be no update to be discussed. at least she gets to read this entry in her honor(?). hehe! friends can make demands. and because we love them nonetheless, we sometimes try to give them even a semblance of what they ask for. it just goes to show that we truly care for each other. isn't that right, chum? peace!

schumacher

This is not about Michael. I didn’t know who that Schumacher is. Everybody knows that racing icon but I never heard about him as I never got into the racing world. But lately, I learned a few things about him, including Formula 1 and the cars, through some friends and from a magazine. I suddenly got interested, that’s all. How come?

This is not about Michael’s brother who they said is also a racing driver. I just checked that his name is Ralf.

This is not about Joel. I didn’t know him either. I did come across his name on some films- Joel Schumacher Films. But I could not identify any one right now nor could I describe what kind of a filmmaker he is. It's easy to know about that from the net, though.

This is about someone who’s not a Schumacher at all. One of his nicknames starts with the letter “A”. We were in the silent part of our conversation one night on the ride home when I whisper-read “Schumacher” from a mudguard of a jeepney.

He saw that, but I didn’t expect he’d heard me read it. Then he asked if I watch racing. I said no, there’s just a Schumacher of the film that was familiar. End of the subject. It’s been several weeks since then but I would not let him know that I learned who Michael of the racing is. That’s not my point for getting interested.

I find wonder in how it came to be that “Schumacher” will always be associated with him. It amuses me that some force had made me want to know about Schumacher of racing by that little talk... I’m aware of my special feeling for “A”. I’m aware of his special feeling for me, too. But there’s nothing about it I’m willing to discuss. They’re trivial things that are supposed to amount to nothing. One time he told me the brand of milk he buys for his infant son. So you see, this isn’t about any Schumacher at all. It’s about other things I could not tell about.

Hello!

Hello bloggers!

just want to announce that im still alive. wahehe! it's been almost 2 months since i last posted an entry. i missed it. siguro wala nang dumadayo sa blog na ito. i had many things to blog about but i had missed writing them here. sayang! oh well, i have my mini diary to refer to those experiences, beautiful & tragic, that i failed to share here.

that doesn't mean na hindi na ko nagpupuyat. madalas pa rin. pero hindi na sa internet. few minutes na lang ako sa computer pag nasa bahay. sa office walang internet. kasali kami sa 4day workwk. so when i get home from work, i stay up for only a few hours- to eat, watch tv, fix self & things. sometimes i turn on the PC just to check email & download photos. there are days when i come home at past midnight when we have meetings related to sfc. like i always say, i feel like i always don't get enough sleep. but im not complaining. nasabi ko lang yun kaya di na ko nagpupuyat sa computer.

pero ngayon nagpupuyat ulit ako. naawa kasi ako sa blog ko. ang plain na nga ng layout, wala pang content. haaay! salamat kina sheryl, chum, & pj na napadaan dito, pero pasensya na din. most likely, hindi ko na ito maa-update palagi. andami ko bagong priorites. this is the time of my life when i wish i were smarter, stronger, & better person just to do those things i want to do in the limited time that i have. or i wish i have more time & energy for them. don't we always wish that way? isn't this about being older? we don't have these wishes when we were younger, i think.

super uso na pala ngayon ang friendster blog no? i still don't have it. & i may not gonna have 1 anytime soon. baka nga never.

o sya! nag-update lang talaga ako. gusto ko lang magka-entry for this month. yun nga lang, walang kwento. walang kwenta? wahaha! whatever! hope you're all having a fine time...

bye bye, sir

my boss' resignment becomes effective today. when he told me last month about his resignation for a better job opprtunity, i accepted it with a silent sadness. the thought of his diminishing days of stay in the office was breaking my heart. finally, sir's last day as a counsel for a government agency arrived.

later, sir will be reporting to a new office- surely very unlike the unsophisticated workplace he left. sir will still be performing his usual stuff as a trial lawyer, more or less, with better compensation. later, i will go to work and sir won't be in his table as usual. only this time, it's not because i arrive earlier or he appears in a court hearing somewhere. sir simply won't be expected to be there anymore.

sir was basically the only boss i ever had, as i am in my first job for more than 3 years now. sir had been an ideal one of a kind employee of our agency and boss to me that i considered myself lucky to be assigned to him. sir not only works honestly, he has passion for his work. i fear that i may never have or find a boss who is half as good. those who know us have observed that sir and i have an effective tandem.

i will definitely miss him very badly. i don't know how i will get through my day later, or all the coming workdays with this great change. i shall eventually get used to the adjustments in the office. and i hope to have a good relationship with whoever i will get my instructions from.

i learned so many good things from sir. he has inspired me with his passion and endearing character. he is out of my worklife now, but he will be one of the top unforgettable persons i value in my life.

not from me

while we were walking with our other friends one midnight, u suddenly walked to a store and bought a cigarette. that's just the way u always do it, u leave without a warning, then u return just as silently as u left, and already smoking. but i wanted to comment on your habit once again.

u told me last year that u would quit smoking, i reminded u. then u explained that one could not just stop smoking, that it's a gradual process. u said u have reduced the number of sticks u consume in a day, from 10 to about 5 now. u were very proud of that. i noted that it was fairly good considering that it's an addiction that's hard to fight. our other friends also encouraged u to work on it harder.

we were walking on. i was recalling that time last year when we were conversing about new year's resolutions. u didn't have any so u asked me what resolutions i'd make if i were u. u said u would not get offended with whatever i come up with. u liked the only 2 resolutions i suggested so u made them as your own for that year. i wondered if u remember that but i did not bring it up. it had been over a year then as we walked on while u smoked away.

then u declared, with a cackle as if u were joking, that u’d finally end the habit “pag may nagpatigil”. i held back any response i might have given that time. i dared not clarify what u meant by that because u could have meant someone. and not anyone. had i been certain it could be anyone, i might have risked my worth on u again. just one more time. but then it could be someone. so i kept the mumblings in my head until we parted ways.


(this is for “w” who i loved. i let go of him some years back but there were relapses of my non-platonic love for him.)

sitting pretty in bora

last weekend 1st times:
-to ride on a plane
-to join the sfc ilc
-to wear 2-pc in public
-to be in boracay
that shall definitely not be the lasts

because of the boy beside me

he chose to sit next to me in the church
or maybe, it just so happened
the nearness was making me weak
oh no, it was leaving me breathless

and so i only heard the words in the mass
without finding meaning in them
as the boy beside me was just beside me
being silent, breathing in and breathing out

i could feel his every little movement
while mine was restrained to avoid skin contact
i could see his skin and hair without looking
we were so close, that idea had taken me over

with the choir's songs, i only lipsynched
so he wouldn't hear the tremble in my voice
and so i could listen better to his voice
in which my heart drowned in enthrallment

the boy beside me left me breathless
how was a girl supposed to deal
with the joining of hands during a prayer
with his little comments about nothing

i had been such a girl last sunday
because of the boy beside me

Rico of Rivermaya

i still love this guy
after all these years
(after a decade)
i still do

i got so lucky! aargh!

Last Sunday, I lost my cellphone (Nokia 6150 with antenna & worn housing) in the church. I realized the phone was not with me only a few minutes since I last used it and I couldn't tell how it was taken from me. Someone got interested in my outdated phone, to think that so many attractive phones make mine look rubbish. Well, probably to the thief, as it was to me, it was vintage.

That phone had such a high sentimental value. It was given to me third-hand 3 years ago. It suited me perfectly and so I never wanted to replace it. It wasn't complicated to use. I didn't have to overprotect it from snatchers or from damage to sensitive & expensive parts. But it was now gone, along with the cherished things I put there. Its lost made me truly sad but I already accepted that it would never be recovered.

While still sad for not having my own phone yet (I couldn't buy a new one so I borrowed mama's for the meantime), I lost my shabby wallet this afternoon in the office. Isn't it my lucky week?

It happened just after lunch break. When I couldn't find my wallet in my bag, I declared so to my officemates. That was when 3 of them recalled they saw a woman earlier who went to my table like she was searching for something. They didn't suspect she was stealing as she could have been just one of our clients. (Our office is used to having visitors and clients who seek advice, follow-up actions on documents, request for notarization, etc.) I lost around 700pesos. The most painful was losing all my IDs and important cards. Some were totally irreplaceable. How could I not be deeply sad.

The wallet was a cheap one. That's not where I really put my money. Cash is in my purse and in my bag's inside pocket. The bills in my wallet were the crispy bills I kept like savings. Actually, it surprised me the previous night to have found a 500bill in the part where I keep some ID pictures. I discovered it last night as I was searching for a pocketsize photo I wanted to measure the size of. I thought I only have a couple of 50s or 100s there.

I lost so many important things in the wallet but it hurts me to discuss it. I couldn't start enumerating them all. I don't want to. Those things are gone. But when I prepare my affidavit of loss later, for purposes of replacing my cards, it cannot be helped.

You could say I had been careless, or stupid, or was karma-ed for being victimized twice within 5 days. Or you could even mention them jokingly, but it would never be nice to hear. Some people could be harsh, I realized again. It was bad enough that you lost things you value, without having to feel you deserved it for whatever reason. Anyway, there would always be friends who would really help and bring comfort.

I pray that there would be no more losses after these. I would be super extra careful from now on, but I would avoid becoming paranoid. Though I imagined it would have made me mad if it was my whole bag that was stolen!! (I may have to make some changes in my daily luggage.)

don't say it

(to my grateful friend who has a wounded heart)

well, my dear, it didn't bother me at all. i am used to listening to other people's blabbers. not only because i like to and i care about you, but maybe, i also want that little favor returned somehow. you see, i am not exactly carefree or invincible. i have my own troubles. though you never heard of how shattered i was 2 yrs ago when you almost gave up something to protect me from a definite pain. but i was already hurt. and you just "almost" gave that something up; because you almost had it. you couldn't be blamed. we never discussed it but at least, our friendship was saved.

i am glad that you find sense in my remarks. you inspire me, too. because you are strong. and it feels good to be trusted. thank you, too.

silver

it's the silver wedding anniversary of my parents today. they didn't get wed again, though that was how i imagined this particular occasion should be celebrated. i am just happy for them, anyway.

paglamig

A friend texted asking how I am & telling that she misses me, as she’s used to always see me & it has been a while since we last got together (abt 10 days ago). That discomfited & turned me off, & now I feel like I’m such a bad friend for feeling that.

Nasanay ka
Kung kailan nagsawa na ako
Hindi na tayo magtagpo

Pasensya na
Ito’y hindi maiwasan
Hindi kita gustong saktan

Maaari man itong lumipas
Ayoko munang pilitin
Sana’y ‘wag mo nang hanapin
Ang dati kong lambing

It’s very cruel of me to mean this to a friend. I just feel that I can’t be sweet to her again like I used to. Our closeness has become too much for me for comfort. I suddenly don’t want her to be so attached to me. This is hard! I feel like using the word "clingy" here, but i don't know where to place it. I'm so mean!