Confession Part II (tnx 2 frndster)

I haven’t said all in the first confession. Of course, I couldn’t say all, not only for the shame, but also for the triviality of it. Yes, it can get more trivial than this. But here I’ll speak of one night that happened more than a week after that call.

One day while at the office, a situation kept flashing in my mind - I was logged on to my friendster and was searching for his account using his email address. That act in my head was like a dream because I wasn’t deliberately thinking about it. I knew he didn’t have any friendster account as he said he didn’t have time for such. And there was really none when I tried searching for it a long time ago. So it surprised me that night, when I got home and did what had been flashing in my head during the day, to find that he already has a friendster account!

It was a very new account. Last log in was on the day that I called him up, and it seemed that it was also the day he signed up in friendster. There wasn’t much there. But it surely is his account because I put his email ad in the user search which months ago resulted in zero matches. No picture. The profile only contained his name, his age, his location, and had one friend in his list of friends. And in the required field of status, it was no shock to me at all that it indicated he is “in a relationship”.

It didn’t really shock me, because I already knew that he has a girlfriend. But I felt something weird. The information somehow awfully affected me. I couldn’t recall what went in my mind then. But I texted him something like this: Hi, jst saw u already hav frndster. it’s quite new. ddnt know ur in a rel. kaya pala u dnt ask me out anymore ksi di n un pwde. :c joke! niwey, gud luck in luv & career.

A little later, he replied that he just woke up from a weird and violent dream and thought it must be because of his present confusion at work. So we had a little exchange about it until he told me he had to do an assignment. Then I said something like: ok. do ur assgnmnt na. nxt time n kita intervw abt ur luvlife. secretive ka e, u tel me so many things abt urself xcept on dat subject. He replied that he was watching tv and wouldn’t do the assignment yet, so I may go ahead.

I asked him: who’s the lucky girl? gano n kyo ktagal? He answered something like: medyo matagal na. eversince college pa naman may gf na ko kaso nag-break kami. i have a new gf now. I replied: ya, u told me abt break-up w/ d old 1. san mo natagpuan c new 1? frm work? frm school? border? neighbor? He only reacted: andami mo naman tanong.ü

There was only one question. He obviously just didn’t want to answer it to which I know the answer. In my first confession, I said that I learned about his having a girlfriend months ago from a friend. It’s not that we have any common friend at all. My friend only happened to know him because they live in the same boarding house. So there… (Pardon my disorganized narration. I didn’t plan to give a lot of details but I’m afraid I got carried away.)

Receiving no response from him, I texted: di k n nga sumagot.it’s ok.2 personal e.bt il tel u it feels strnge knwin abt it only nw,cnsidrng ol dats bin sed.u may nt undrstnd wat i mean.i also dnt.sodntask. His reply: ur ryt, i dont understand wat u mean.

And so it became apparent that the things I considered to have been said between us were only things that have been joked about. I’d been so good in over-romanticizing. I’d been so wrong about him all along.

I told him to not mind my little strange feeling, and then said “nyt”. He said ok and good night.

I have yet to tell my friends about this foolishness. Maybe I’ll refer them to these confession entries anytime that I’m ready. So much for my happy ending…

Confession of a Foolish Girl

This was one of the most foolish things I did. But I don’t seem to regret it now. Believe me, it was beyond my normal courage to have done it - I called him!

It’s been a couple of weeks ago when that fateful night happened. That had been the day after my birthday, and about two months of hearing nothing from him. It is to be understood that I have ceased communication with him when I casually learned from a friend that he has a girlfriend. It caused a pain I kept to myself and on that impulse I deleted his cell phone number in my phonebook. The affected me didn’t want to text him anything that might give off my distress.

We had been constantly communicating through texts but he never told me about his girl. That was considerably strange if you know that he had kept me updated about his life in a way that would give the impression he is unattached, not to say the little teases he would hint for us, which I would always dismiss because it makes me uneasy, considering the obvious, that I like him. So bad. It was strange keeping that part of him from me knowing we have some friendship, not to say that he was intending to go out with me again, which turned out to be empty words of intentions.

I couldn’t text him. But he could still text me. And I would know if it was him by the first four digits of the unsaved number, and of course, by the familiar way he would start a conversation. But he never texted. And that was unusual. And I wondered why. And I stopped myself from wondering because it was useless. Or because it was damaging me. And so it was that on the night of that second month, I summoned all the strength I could to finally call him. Not to say anything, but to know what he has to say, if there would be any.

Being home alone that night must have caused that force of inspiration, apart from my desire to stop speculating. I picked up the phone and asked for him. For almost a minute that I had to wait for him to get the call, I almost put the phone down. Then he was on the line. Yes, why? I really had nothing to say. Nothing. That was more of the unusual call when it was the caller who waits for the message. I couldn’t demand for him to tell me something, right? Good thing he asked how am I and commented why I didn’t just text. I said I’m fine and that I lost his number. He said he already gave me his new number, anyway, he would text it to me later. And so began our usual updates in life. Latest movies, troubles at work, next plans, blah blah blah.

He texted after that call and asked when is my birthday. How weird he asked. I told him so because it was only yesterday. He greeted me and asked what was I doing. I was already connected to the internet then so my very late reply didn’t get a response.

He never mentioned about his love life still. Not even when we were texting again about his plans and confusion at work to which he was feeling helpless about. Anyway, a few times I hinted on that subject to him, but he just wouldn’t yield to it. Oh, well.

I haven’t told anyone about this. My friends would probably understand my act, but I couldn’t yet start telling them. I’m still ashamed of such foolishness. This confession is supposed to be an outlet while I try to overcome the feeling of shame.

I'm MRAZmerized

I’ve recently got myself a copy of Jason Mraz’ live album Tonight, Not Again: Jason Mraz Live at the Eagles Ballroom. It’s the best! Oh no, there’s no way that this is an attempt at reviewing that great CD. I just won’t give it justice. (See, I’m no good at making reasons, although I claim to be sensible. Yah, weird.) But I want here to express my love for Mraz music and my happiness for having the album.

Whoever likes Mraz music should have the CD. And surely, anyone who likes good music or good poems will not be disappointed to have it. Half of the tracks in the CD are songs that were previously unreleased, or if they were ever released somewhere, they’re not included in Waiting for my Rocket to Come album. His live versions are simply ah, mrazmerizing!

I said poems; here are a few lines from the song Unfold:

my hands are high
and I’m holding on, I’m holding on
and I figure that I, figure that I just might make it
and I’m waking empty
but seldom sleeping
and the words repeat breathing histories into stories untold
and I unfold

and here’s from the song Tonight, Not Again, written with Jenny Keene, who wrote the poem of same title from which the song was adapted:

The night.
She brushed her hands upon my flushed cheek
Smelled of childhood remnants of a dusty weeping willow
Clouds soothe, Shredded by the calico
Were oh so vast and quick as I was on my own now.
This time like every other time I believe that I never find
Another sweet little girl with sequined sea foam eyes
Ocean lapping voice smile coy as the brightest quiet span of sky
And I'm all alone again tonight not again, not again, not again.
And don't it feel alright. and don't it feel so nice. Lovely.

I don’t often rave this much about an album. Or about an artist, for that matter. I adore Jason Mraz for making the beautiful music that he does, for writing those songs, and for the passion he gives for his art. I find that passion most evident in his live performances such as in his Live in Manila concert early this year and in songs and videos that can be downloaded from the internet. So what a fortune that he came up with this live album.

When I thought of making this entry about the CD, I was afraid I’d only repeat saying “It’s great”. If I could write better, I would have properly described how good this Mraz album is. But to readers, just understand that I love the album and so I’m happy. This one’s something I will treasure.

A List of Some of my Favorite Songs:

Here are just some of my favorite songs. Here are those that immediately came to mind, or among those that I’ve always declared and will readily enumerate as my fave songs, or those songs that people who know me can easily identify as my favorite. But of course, there must be countless other songs that I love to listen to, sing, and play on the guitar, over and over.

Uninvited by Alanis Morissette
Sleep all Day by Jason Mraz
Stay (I Miss You) by Liza Loeb
Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen
There’s No Easy Way by James Ingram
Everybody Hurts by R.E.M.
Gray Sky Morning (Best I Ever Had) by Vertical Horizon
Overjoyed by Stevie Wonder
If I Keep My Heart Out of Sight by James Taylor
Take a Bow by Madonna
Ulan by Rivermaya
Sunny Came Home by Shawn Colvin
Tabing Ilog by Barbie’s Cradle
True Colors by Cindy Lauper
Stuck in a Moment by U2
Again by Lenny Kravitz
Never Letting Go by Stephen Bishop
No Such Thing by John Mayer
My Stupid Mouth by John Mayer
Tonight, Not Again by Jason Mraz
You and I Both by Jason Mraz
King of Pain by The Police/Sting
Grow Old with You by Adam Sandler
Swept Away by Christopher Cross
You Were Meant for Me by Jewel

senti 'no?

bday senti

I turned 24 yesterday. Although I was pressured to treat people out, I didn’t bother. No budget for that. But a few gifts still came, and some cards. Thanks to my thoughtful friends, especially to those who somehow found a way for me to celebrate the day. Because I really didn’t plan anything.

Now I wonder why I thought of friends who happened to forget. Some of them are close friends for years. I wonder how this time they failed to greet me. Not even a belated one, so far. Should that make me sad? I believe I shouldn’t, but I feel a little disappointed. It’s easier to accept for acquaintances to not care about your birthday, but not so with close friends.

So I’ll just have to accept that they’ve forgotten. For surely, it can’t be that they remembered but chose not to greet, di ‘ba? And still, some would’ve remembered had they not been so busy- as almost all my peers claim and complain to be- or had they not totally lost touch, which is a really sad thing. Sigh.

I’ve always reminded myself: people would come to my life, but there’s nothing I can do to make anyone stay. It’s beyond me- or my charms, or my coercion. Nothing. Not even my love. And I must also continually learn that I may not have to understand the so many “endings”, manifestly or not, that never ends to happen.

Anyway, I still feel blessed to have dear persons who never quit putting up with my weirdness. I’m grateful to those who keep in touch. I miss those who have lost touch. We may find each other again.

This birthday is more of the time when I reminisce people in my life than it is an occasion when I am remembered.