I have had my plenty share of romantic-related heartaches since I was barely in my 20s. Now in my mid-30s I have not settled down despite having been engaged a few years ago.
Too many times I have believed without a doubt I have found the one for me. As I grew older, I mistakenly thought I was mature enough to know each time I fell in love (or got infatuated), that it was real. Then it would prove to not be so, because those relationships didn't last. What gives?
On all occasions, it was me who got left behind. Being more on the introvert side, I was passive at making friends and even more so with romantic prospects. So it was such a huge letdown when guys would dump me after having broken through my wall, such that it shattered me believing some things are wrong with me.
I knew it was not for my beauty that some of those men were drawn to me. I was an average or ordinary in terms of attractiveness. I felt it was for genuine connection and friendship that established special relationship with those men, whether or not it was formally labeled as a romantic one or unofficially along those lines or zone. Still, they left me. For no reasons I could pinpoint. And I was quite sure they weren't bad guys either. So I just blame myself -- that something is wrong in my personality.
It was a struggle to overcome that insecurity. It took surrendering to the inexplicable phenomenon that some things simply do not work out, without having to mean that one was in the wrong. No one has to be the bad one for any relationship to fall out.
The realization taught me to be kinder to myself and to understand others who have been hard on themselves after a failed relationship. It helped me to be kinder to the person I am with, because in him I found a forgiver who regards me as a keeper. So I am keeping him -- the one who does not leave.
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