while we were walking with our other friends one midnight, u suddenly walked to a store and bought a cigarette. that's just the way u always do it, u leave without a warning, then u return just as silently as u left, and already smoking. but i wanted to comment on your habit once again.
u told me last year that u would quit smoking, i reminded u. then u explained that one could not just stop smoking, that it's a gradual process. u said u have reduced the number of sticks u consume in a day, from 10 to about 5 now. u were very proud of that. i noted that it was fairly good considering that it's an addiction that's hard to fight. our other friends also encouraged u to work on it harder.
we were walking on. i was recalling that time last year when we were conversing about new year's resolutions. u didn't have any so u asked me what resolutions i'd make if i were u. u said u would not get offended with whatever i come up with. u liked the only 2 resolutions i suggested so u made them as your own for that year. i wondered if u remember that but i did not bring it up. it had been over a year then as we walked on while u smoked away.
then u declared, with a cackle as if u were joking, that u’d finally end the habit “pag may nagpatigil”. i held back any response i might have given that time. i dared not clarify what u meant by that because u could have meant someone. and not anyone. had i been certain it could be anyone, i might have risked my worth on u again. just one more time. but then it could be someone. so i kept the mumblings in my head until we parted ways.
(this is for “w” who i loved. i let go of him some years back but there were relapses of my non-platonic love for him.)
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
Monday, February 28, 2005
sitting pretty in bora
last weekend 1st times:
-to ride on a plane
-to join the sfc ilc
-to wear 2-pc in public
-to be in boracay
that shall definitely not be the lasts
-to ride on a plane
-to join the sfc ilc
-to wear 2-pc in public
-to be in boracay
that shall definitely not be the lasts
Wednesday, February 16, 2005
because of the boy beside me
he chose to sit next to me in the church
or maybe, it just so happened
the nearness was making me weak
oh no, it was leaving me breathless
and so i only heard the words in the mass
without finding meaning in them
as the boy beside me was just beside me
being silent, breathing in and breathing out
i could feel his every little movement
while mine was restrained to avoid skin contact
i could see his skin and hair without looking
we were so close, that idea had taken me over
with the choir's songs, i only lipsynched
so he wouldn't hear the tremble in my voice
and so i could listen better to his voice
in which my heart drowned in enthrallment
the boy beside me left me breathless
how was a girl supposed to deal
with the joining of hands during a prayer
with his little comments about nothing
i had been such a girl last sunday
because of the boy beside me
or maybe, it just so happened
the nearness was making me weak
oh no, it was leaving me breathless
and so i only heard the words in the mass
without finding meaning in them
as the boy beside me was just beside me
being silent, breathing in and breathing out
i could feel his every little movement
while mine was restrained to avoid skin contact
i could see his skin and hair without looking
we were so close, that idea had taken me over
with the choir's songs, i only lipsynched
so he wouldn't hear the tremble in my voice
and so i could listen better to his voice
in which my heart drowned in enthrallment
the boy beside me left me breathless
how was a girl supposed to deal
with the joining of hands during a prayer
with his little comments about nothing
i had been such a girl last sunday
because of the boy beside me
Thursday, February 03, 2005
Thursday, January 13, 2005
i got so lucky! aargh!
Last Sunday, I lost my cellphone (Nokia 6150 with antenna & worn housing) in the church. I realized the phone was not with me only a few minutes since I last used it and I couldn't tell how it was taken from me. Someone got interested in my outdated phone, to think that so many attractive phones make mine look rubbish. Well, probably to the thief, as it was to me, it was vintage.
That phone had such a high sentimental value. It was given to me third-hand 3 years ago. It suited me perfectly and so I never wanted to replace it. It wasn't complicated to use. I didn't have to overprotect it from snatchers or from damage to sensitive & expensive parts. But it was now gone, along with the cherished things I put there. Its lost made me truly sad but I already accepted that it would never be recovered.
While still sad for not having my own phone yet (I couldn't buy a new one so I borrowed mama's for the meantime), I lost my shabby wallet this afternoon in the office. Isn't it my lucky week?
It happened just after lunch break. When I couldn't find my wallet in my bag, I declared so to my officemates. That was when 3 of them recalled they saw a woman earlier who went to my table like she was searching for something. They didn't suspect she was stealing as she could have been just one of our clients. (Our office is used to having visitors and clients who seek advice, follow-up actions on documents, request for notarization, etc.) I lost around 700pesos. The most painful was losing all my IDs and important cards. Some were totally irreplaceable. How could I not be deeply sad.
The wallet was a cheap one. That's not where I really put my money. Cash is in my purse and in my bag's inside pocket. The bills in my wallet were the crispy bills I kept like savings. Actually, it surprised me the previous night to have found a 500bill in the part where I keep some ID pictures. I discovered it last night as I was searching for a pocketsize photo I wanted to measure the size of. I thought I only have a couple of 50s or 100s there.
I lost so many important things in the wallet but it hurts me to discuss it. I couldn't start enumerating them all. I don't want to. Those things are gone. But when I prepare my affidavit of loss later, for purposes of replacing my cards, it cannot be helped.
You could say I had been careless, or stupid, or was karma-ed for being victimized twice within 5 days. Or you could even mention them jokingly, but it would never be nice to hear. Some people could be harsh, I realized again. It was bad enough that you lost things you value, without having to feel you deserved it for whatever reason. Anyway, there would always be friends who would really help and bring comfort.
I pray that there would be no more losses after these. I would be super extra careful from now on, but I would avoid becoming paranoid. Though I imagined it would have made me mad if it was my whole bag that was stolen!! (I may have to make some changes in my daily luggage.)
That phone had such a high sentimental value. It was given to me third-hand 3 years ago. It suited me perfectly and so I never wanted to replace it. It wasn't complicated to use. I didn't have to overprotect it from snatchers or from damage to sensitive & expensive parts. But it was now gone, along with the cherished things I put there. Its lost made me truly sad but I already accepted that it would never be recovered.
While still sad for not having my own phone yet (I couldn't buy a new one so I borrowed mama's for the meantime), I lost my shabby wallet this afternoon in the office. Isn't it my lucky week?
It happened just after lunch break. When I couldn't find my wallet in my bag, I declared so to my officemates. That was when 3 of them recalled they saw a woman earlier who went to my table like she was searching for something. They didn't suspect she was stealing as she could have been just one of our clients. (Our office is used to having visitors and clients who seek advice, follow-up actions on documents, request for notarization, etc.) I lost around 700pesos. The most painful was losing all my IDs and important cards. Some were totally irreplaceable. How could I not be deeply sad.
The wallet was a cheap one. That's not where I really put my money. Cash is in my purse and in my bag's inside pocket. The bills in my wallet were the crispy bills I kept like savings. Actually, it surprised me the previous night to have found a 500bill in the part where I keep some ID pictures. I discovered it last night as I was searching for a pocketsize photo I wanted to measure the size of. I thought I only have a couple of 50s or 100s there.
I lost so many important things in the wallet but it hurts me to discuss it. I couldn't start enumerating them all. I don't want to. Those things are gone. But when I prepare my affidavit of loss later, for purposes of replacing my cards, it cannot be helped.
You could say I had been careless, or stupid, or was karma-ed for being victimized twice within 5 days. Or you could even mention them jokingly, but it would never be nice to hear. Some people could be harsh, I realized again. It was bad enough that you lost things you value, without having to feel you deserved it for whatever reason. Anyway, there would always be friends who would really help and bring comfort.
I pray that there would be no more losses after these. I would be super extra careful from now on, but I would avoid becoming paranoid. Though I imagined it would have made me mad if it was my whole bag that was stolen!! (I may have to make some changes in my daily luggage.)
don't say it
(to my grateful friend who has a wounded heart)
well, my dear, it didn't bother me at all. i am used to listening to other people's blabbers. not only because i like to and i care about you, but maybe, i also want that little favor returned somehow. you see, i am not exactly carefree or invincible. i have my own troubles. though you never heard of how shattered i was 2 yrs ago when you almost gave up something to protect me from a definite pain. but i was already hurt. and you just "almost" gave that something up; because you almost had it. you couldn't be blamed. we never discussed it but at least, our friendship was saved.
i am glad that you find sense in my remarks. you inspire me, too. because you are strong. and it feels good to be trusted. thank you, too.
well, my dear, it didn't bother me at all. i am used to listening to other people's blabbers. not only because i like to and i care about you, but maybe, i also want that little favor returned somehow. you see, i am not exactly carefree or invincible. i have my own troubles. though you never heard of how shattered i was 2 yrs ago when you almost gave up something to protect me from a definite pain. but i was already hurt. and you just "almost" gave that something up; because you almost had it. you couldn't be blamed. we never discussed it but at least, our friendship was saved.
i am glad that you find sense in my remarks. you inspire me, too. because you are strong. and it feels good to be trusted. thank you, too.
Wednesday, January 12, 2005
silver
it's the silver wedding anniversary of my parents today. they didn't get wed again, though that was how i imagined this particular occasion should be celebrated. i am just happy for them, anyway.
Sunday, January 09, 2005
paglamig
A friend texted asking how I am & telling that she misses me, as she’s used to always see me & it has been a while since we last got together (abt 10 days ago). That discomfited & turned me off, & now I feel like I’m such a bad friend for feeling that.
It’s very cruel of me to mean this to a friend. I just feel that I can’t be sweet to her again like I used to. Our closeness has become too much for me for comfort. I suddenly don’t want her to be so attached to me. This is hard! I feel like using the word "clingy" here, but i don't know where to place it. I'm so mean!
Nasanay ka
Kung kailan nagsawa na ako
Hindi na tayo magtagpo
Pasensya na
Ito’y hindi maiwasan
Hindi kita gustong saktan
Maaari man itong lumipas
Ayoko munang pilitin
Sana’y ‘wag mo nang hanapin
Ang dati kong lambing
Kung kailan nagsawa na ako
Hindi na tayo magtagpo
Pasensya na
Ito’y hindi maiwasan
Hindi kita gustong saktan
Maaari man itong lumipas
Ayoko munang pilitin
Sana’y ‘wag mo nang hanapin
Ang dati kong lambing
It’s very cruel of me to mean this to a friend. I just feel that I can’t be sweet to her again like I used to. Our closeness has become too much for me for comfort. I suddenly don’t want her to be so attached to me. This is hard! I feel like using the word "clingy" here, but i don't know where to place it. I'm so mean!
Friday, December 31, 2004
missing him again
why is it that i'm missing him more when he's making his presence felt once in a while than when he is totally absent?
here are some lines inspired by missing my "pare" (we are not really magkumpare. tawagan lang), but not dedicated to him~
here are some lines inspired by missing my "pare" (we are not really magkumpare. tawagan lang), but not dedicated to him~
how i'd love to see you again
even for just a few seconds
i would, if i could buy a single moment
of having our eyes met
of having the chance to smile at you
then i'd keep that single picture in my mind
of you smiling back at me
tonight, i'd like to have you in my dream
to feel like it was real
those moments that have gone
when i was still your princess
when i was your beautiful & nice friend
how i'd love to know
that you are missing me too
even for just a few seconds
i would, if i could buy a single moment
of having our eyes met
of having the chance to smile at you
then i'd keep that single picture in my mind
of you smiling back at me
tonight, i'd like to have you in my dream
to feel like it was real
those moments that have gone
when i was still your princess
when i was your beautiful & nice friend
how i'd love to know
that you are missing me too
(sa lahat naman ng senti, bakit ako corny? haaayyy...)
Saturday, December 25, 2004
play> (how abt w/ ur heart?)
C’mon jam with me. I’ll try to strike the right chords of your favorite songs. We’ll play a crazy repertoire. I’m gonna rock your world. You’ll surely be the first one to get tired.
C’mon bring your racket. We’ll go smashing at the court. I’ll give you a good game for as many hours as you like. Though I perspire a lot, you’ll surely be the first one to give up.
Let’s play! We’ll have some fun. Don’t worry when you’re exhausted; You can always quit anytime.
How about our hearts? Let’s play with them, too...
C’mon bring your racket. We’ll go smashing at the court. I’ll give you a good game for as many hours as you like. Though I perspire a lot, you’ll surely be the first one to give up.
Let’s play! We’ll have some fun. Don’t worry when you’re exhausted; You can always quit anytime.
How about our hearts? Let’s play with them, too...
my favorite things>>
Wednesday, December 22, 2004
happy holidays!
Merry Christmas to all!
I'm only trying hard to make an entry because it's been a long time since I last posted any. So, "Do you have the time to listen to me whine about nothing and everything all at once?" Let me blabber as I bore myself (& u, if u may) to sleep...
I'm not in the mood to think and work, but I want to get a lot of things done. Well, I believe you know how that feels. Times like these happen. It's hard to focus on one thing when there's so much you want to give your attention to. Now, I just want to have a new entry although there's really nothing I want to post on my blog. I will blabber more...
It's past 2AM. I have recently disciplined myself of getting up early to make it to the new 7am-4pm working hours for govt employees. I am not bound to break it anytime soon. So I have to wake up at 5am at the latest if I ever sleep at all. So good luck to me!
I miss badminton. The tourney was over. My partner made it only up to the semis. A sad thing. Last week championship was fantastic! My teammates playing for women's doubles who made it to the finals won. And so was the team I cheered for in men's doubles, in which game the 2nd & 3rd set needed tie-breakers. A happy thing! It was also the Christmas party of that badminton club. To add a little fun, they held raffle during breaks in the game where at stake among others were t-shirts, tumblers, shoebags, a racket bag, and the most coveted prize of a racket. After the games, the lucky winner of the grand prize was called and you guessed it right, it was me! A happy happy thing!
It was a Yonex Armortec 9000 which they said costs less than 2 thou. It's just right that I got it since I know most players in that club already have rackets that cost a lot more than that. And I'll be the one who would overwhelmingly appreciate it not only because my old racket's price is less than a third of the new one I got for free, but because it's so good enough for me to inspire me to play better. You see, I'm not good at this sport even if I am passionate about it, and I am not just being modest here. That racket has not yet been broken in. My friends who I play with are not around, if not very busy, for the holidays. Well, maybe I won't miss playing much while the holiday rush is on. I still haven't shopped for gifts!
Last weekend was spent on five different Christmas-related "get-togethers". Not much partying and exchange gifts these days, I think. Just getting together for food, drinks, and stories (or videoke) is enough for a quality fellowship. And it should always happen while it's dark. We sleep when the sun is up. But on weekdays, it cannot be the case. Haay...
Okay, I will stop blabbering now. I pray that I soon stop procrastinating. Isn't it time to make resolutions? I guess I need a lift in spirit. It's not that I'm sad. In fact, this yearend is way happier than my last one. And I am inspired! Don't you think it's contradicting to be inspired and be lazy at the same time? Oh well, I have a theory, and this has always been my finding - I lack sleep that's why I cannot focus and am disoriented most of the time. Didn't I just say I will stop blabbering now?!
I'll go to bed. Again, Merry Christmas to all! Godspeed...
I'm only trying hard to make an entry because it's been a long time since I last posted any. So, "Do you have the time to listen to me whine about nothing and everything all at once?" Let me blabber as I bore myself (& u, if u may) to sleep...
I'm not in the mood to think and work, but I want to get a lot of things done. Well, I believe you know how that feels. Times like these happen. It's hard to focus on one thing when there's so much you want to give your attention to. Now, I just want to have a new entry although there's really nothing I want to post on my blog. I will blabber more...
It's past 2AM. I have recently disciplined myself of getting up early to make it to the new 7am-4pm working hours for govt employees. I am not bound to break it anytime soon. So I have to wake up at 5am at the latest if I ever sleep at all. So good luck to me!
I miss badminton. The tourney was over. My partner made it only up to the semis. A sad thing. Last week championship was fantastic! My teammates playing for women's doubles who made it to the finals won. And so was the team I cheered for in men's doubles, in which game the 2nd & 3rd set needed tie-breakers. A happy thing! It was also the Christmas party of that badminton club. To add a little fun, they held raffle during breaks in the game where at stake among others were t-shirts, tumblers, shoebags, a racket bag, and the most coveted prize of a racket. After the games, the lucky winner of the grand prize was called and you guessed it right, it was me! A happy happy thing!
It was a Yonex Armortec 9000 which they said costs less than 2 thou. It's just right that I got it since I know most players in that club already have rackets that cost a lot more than that. And I'll be the one who would overwhelmingly appreciate it not only because my old racket's price is less than a third of the new one I got for free, but because it's so good enough for me to inspire me to play better. You see, I'm not good at this sport even if I am passionate about it, and I am not just being modest here. That racket has not yet been broken in. My friends who I play with are not around, if not very busy, for the holidays. Well, maybe I won't miss playing much while the holiday rush is on. I still haven't shopped for gifts!
Last weekend was spent on five different Christmas-related "get-togethers". Not much partying and exchange gifts these days, I think. Just getting together for food, drinks, and stories (or videoke) is enough for a quality fellowship. And it should always happen while it's dark. We sleep when the sun is up. But on weekdays, it cannot be the case. Haay...
Okay, I will stop blabbering now. I pray that I soon stop procrastinating. Isn't it time to make resolutions? I guess I need a lift in spirit. It's not that I'm sad. In fact, this yearend is way happier than my last one. And I am inspired! Don't you think it's contradicting to be inspired and be lazy at the same time? Oh well, I have a theory, and this has always been my finding - I lack sleep that's why I cannot focus and am disoriented most of the time. Didn't I just say I will stop blabbering now?!
I'll go to bed. Again, Merry Christmas to all! Godspeed...
Monday, December 06, 2004
in like
I like you a lot
And I just write these pathetic lines
As I could not begin to tell you that
I really like you a lot
These words
Trying to express how I feel about you
Have nothing else to say but
I simply like you
They will never reach you
I can say it over and again
I like you, I like you, I like you
It will be written all around
It doesn’t say anything else at all
It will never reach you
I like you a lot
That’s what I know
(this is not dedicated to anyone. kunyari lang im "in like". whatevah!)
And I just write these pathetic lines
As I could not begin to tell you that
I really like you a lot
These words
Trying to express how I feel about you
Have nothing else to say but
I simply like you
They will never reach you
I can say it over and again
I like you, I like you, I like you
It will be written all around
It doesn’t say anything else at all
It will never reach you
I like you a lot
That’s what I know
(this is not dedicated to anyone. kunyari lang im "in like". whatevah!)
Sunday, December 05, 2004
unsolicited
I only had a few hours of sleep since I went to bed at 3am coming from the gig of Paolo Santos last night at altered native bar with my friends. And I had to get up early for the 8am mass where the choir I just joined was scheduled to serve.
This morning was the first time I joined the choir. Officially, that is. There had only been about two occasions when I happened to be with this choir group on service because I was with some members who are my friends. But I was not part of it. I had always resisted their invitation since I could not commit to it due to inconvenience in distance as I live far from their area of service, although I hear mass in a church in their place. This time, I finally acceded their invitation again since I really wanted to join a choir, not to say that they badly needed more persons to sing. And I was more than glad to help.
Also this morning, I got this request from two choir members for me to join their band they're trying to revive. As the lead vocalist, my dear! I couldn't believe they are seriously considering me. I heard them joked about it one jam session a long time ago, but I never imagined they'd really get to the point of courting me to join them. I was in such a hard situation surprised by it all, and knowing that performing was part of my fantasy. I have this big, hidden star complex, you know. There was no way it could be for real. I just can't do that, I told them stage fright, etc. It was such a pain hearing them plead, encourage, and trust me when I couldn't give a yes or a no. Neither answer could give me peace. Sigh!
This morning was the first time I joined the choir. Officially, that is. There had only been about two occasions when I happened to be with this choir group on service because I was with some members who are my friends. But I was not part of it. I had always resisted their invitation since I could not commit to it due to inconvenience in distance as I live far from their area of service, although I hear mass in a church in their place. This time, I finally acceded their invitation again since I really wanted to join a choir, not to say that they badly needed more persons to sing. And I was more than glad to help.
Also this morning, I got this request from two choir members for me to join their band they're trying to revive. As the lead vocalist, my dear! I couldn't believe they are seriously considering me. I heard them joked about it one jam session a long time ago, but I never imagined they'd really get to the point of courting me to join them. I was in such a hard situation surprised by it all, and knowing that performing was part of my fantasy. I have this big, hidden star complex, you know. There was no way it could be for real. I just can't do that, I told them stage fright, etc. It was such a pain hearing them plead, encourage, and trust me when I couldn't give a yes or a no. Neither answer could give me peace. Sigh!
(I have more kwento pa sana abt today e. kaso na-overwhelm na ko sa nasabi ko so far. im sure, more overwhelming pa yung next na nangyari kasi napasok na naman ako sa isang malaking responsibilidad. the yr ahead will surely be hectic. haay buhaay!)
Another thought. Despite the busy day and my dizziness, I still remembered that it had been a year since that day I spent a happy time with the guy I loved the greatest (i think) so far. I missed him again. And it don't look like I'll ever stop my wondering about him yet.
Another thought. Despite the busy day and my dizziness, I still remembered that it had been a year since that day I spent a happy time with the guy I loved the greatest (i think) so far. I missed him again. And it don't look like I'll ever stop my wondering about him yet.
Saturday, December 04, 2004
sleep
i love sleeping. yesterday i had more than enough sleep. govt work was suspended due to the much feared super typhoon yoyong. it's already good news that this storm didn't do more damage than typhoon winnie or than what was predicted.
sleep is luxury to me. i don't think time spent on sleeping is ever a waste. i don't get enough of it so many times, so whenever i get the chance, u know what i do.
and i think there's another reason why im (more lethargic?) like this. apart from sleeping, im doing a lot of daydreaming. that explains why iv not been productive lately. i just want to think about my new crush. yikes! well, he's someone i like a lot but not the kind who would ever be for me. because he's a man who must be a decade and a half my senior, and must be married and have kids. there's always a "po" whenever i speak to him.
but i like him as he is. maybe he's my ideal man. i think of him as how a man should be. i just love his peronality! we're not close though. he is all nice! oh no, i can't start telling all the good things i see in him. it just won't be fair. i really have this big admiration for him. i can only hope that i'll meet a man like him who could be for me.
just the other day, he saw me while i was in a hurry busy texting and in a bad hair and greeted me, "good morning, del!" when i looked up, i just said "ay, good morning din po!" i got flustered instantly. that was when i began to realize i have a special feeling for him, though i find it really odd. i don't know, maybe it's the age difference and the certainty of his having a family of his own that makes it odd.
i see him a lot by accident. that's what iv been constantly replaying in my head. those fortuitous meetings are strange, not because of their form, but of their frequency. how could his passing by a place i happen to pass by at the same moment occur many times? of course it doesn't mean anything. it's just a happy thought. haha! (basta yun. tama na nga!)
sleep is luxury to me. i don't think time spent on sleeping is ever a waste. i don't get enough of it so many times, so whenever i get the chance, u know what i do.
and i think there's another reason why im (more lethargic?) like this. apart from sleeping, im doing a lot of daydreaming. that explains why iv not been productive lately. i just want to think about my new crush. yikes! well, he's someone i like a lot but not the kind who would ever be for me. because he's a man who must be a decade and a half my senior, and must be married and have kids. there's always a "po" whenever i speak to him.
but i like him as he is. maybe he's my ideal man. i think of him as how a man should be. i just love his peronality! we're not close though. he is all nice! oh no, i can't start telling all the good things i see in him. it just won't be fair. i really have this big admiration for him. i can only hope that i'll meet a man like him who could be for me.
just the other day, he saw me while i was in a hurry busy texting and in a bad hair and greeted me, "good morning, del!" when i looked up, i just said "ay, good morning din po!" i got flustered instantly. that was when i began to realize i have a special feeling for him, though i find it really odd. i don't know, maybe it's the age difference and the certainty of his having a family of his own that makes it odd.
i see him a lot by accident. that's what iv been constantly replaying in my head. those fortuitous meetings are strange, not because of their form, but of their frequency. how could his passing by a place i happen to pass by at the same moment occur many times? of course it doesn't mean anything. it's just a happy thought. haha! (basta yun. tama na nga!)
Monday, November 22, 2004
flashback
It’s a gloomy, rainy day today. Last year, November 22 was a Saturday. And it was a hot day. I remember it quite clearly.
It was a very hectic day for me. I got up early and readied myself for the several tasks ahead. When I left the house, I was carrying a heavy bag containing the materials I would need for a meeting later. I also brought an extra shirt, as I saw I’d surely be drenched in sweat long before the day was over.
So many tasks there were indeed that they took so much of my time and energy and compromised my other responsibilities. The stress and the heat were sure to have drained me. At close to evening, I changed into the shirt I brought before going to the meeting with my two friends. It was for our overdue project.
Since my friends had been waiting almost in vain for me since noon, they settled to work in one’s boarding house and not in our usual fast-food hangout. I knew I was looking so haggard when I met with them. I was really already exhausted that I just wanted to quickly finish my part in that project to be able to finally rest at home. But I had to get going with the work so I shouldn’t be thinking of rest yet. What a consolation that my host friend treated us with delivered stuffed-crust pizza.
Oh, I remember that day like it was only yesterday. It was the day I was swept away. Because someone I knew and loved, and still wondered about once in a while from three years back, showed up. He was offered a slice of the pizza. What an intrusion he was to our work. But then I was instantly stunned to mind the distraction he was making.
We started with a few words. Then more words were exchanged between us. Then I don’t know. In my mind, I can vividly playback the words and the scenes. But what happened to me was inexplicable. As something beautiful started between us. Something that changed me. From that moment. From that day…
It was one of those beautiful things that were not meant to last. It has then become something beautiful to remember. Like today, when a year has just passed since then.
But it is a gloomy day today. The pouring of rain doesn’t seem to ever end. What a suitable mood to reminisce a warm day a year ago.
Saturday, November 13, 2004
Oh You, Charmer!
Please stop
Don’t try to work your charm on me again
I just might yield to it so easily
And fall to romanticizing anything you say
How can you not simply forget me
When you already have someone?
Why are you still around
Bugging me with all your sweet nonsense?
Stop teasing me
Stop saying the nicest things
How can’t I resist your little game?
How do I keep on letting you hurt me?
(This is so corny, though this is how I feel. I’m a helpless romantic!)
Don’t try to work your charm on me again
I just might yield to it so easily
And fall to romanticizing anything you say
How can you not simply forget me
When you already have someone?
Why are you still around
Bugging me with all your sweet nonsense?
Stop teasing me
Stop saying the nicest things
How can’t I resist your little game?
How do I keep on letting you hurt me?
(This is so corny, though this is how I feel. I’m a helpless romantic!)
Tuesday, November 09, 2004
Oops, Heart!
There you go again, heart,
You're testing your resilience again.
How many times did you claim to have let go?
You're supposed to be moving on by now,
For goodness' sake!
Have you forgotten that you shouldn't have given in?
I'm afraid for you, heart.
You're on a standstill again.
Tsk tsk tsk! You can be so tenacious,
So dangerously tenacious!
There you go declaring again:
"I know where I stand.
I'm in control. Blah blah blah…"
Oh, heart,
You're in another jeopardy.
You're likely to be drenched in tears in no time.
But what's the point of this, heart?
You're as stubborn as ever!
You're testing your resilience again.
How many times did you claim to have let go?
You're supposed to be moving on by now,
For goodness' sake!
Have you forgotten that you shouldn't have given in?
I'm afraid for you, heart.
You're on a standstill again.
Tsk tsk tsk! You can be so tenacious,
So dangerously tenacious!
There you go declaring again:
"I know where I stand.
I'm in control. Blah blah blah…"
Oh, heart,
You're in another jeopardy.
You're likely to be drenched in tears in no time.
But what's the point of this, heart?
You're as stubborn as ever!
Wednesday, November 03, 2004
sleepless
why was i supposed to have slept 3 hours ago?
- i already didn't get enough sleep the previous night
- i didn't get my usual noontime nap in the office because i met up with my bestfriend from davao, since i love him and i couldn't let the only time we had to see each other pass
- i got very tired from pressure at work and new personal concerns
- i have a due work tomorrow which has to be impressive to make up for my lapses today from which i was reprimanded as they might cause a big trouble to the case handled by my boss attorney
- i need more energy since i'd be staying late the next day for a badminton practice
- i have to get up early to prepare what i'll wear to the office and the so many things i'll need to play badminton
- lack of sleep shows on my face and disorients my thinking
but it's past midnight and i'm not yet sleeping because, again, i got hooked on the internet. and i have yet to eat my supper and wash my face, at least. i'm damned!
- i already didn't get enough sleep the previous night
- i didn't get my usual noontime nap in the office because i met up with my bestfriend from davao, since i love him and i couldn't let the only time we had to see each other pass
- i got very tired from pressure at work and new personal concerns
- i have a due work tomorrow which has to be impressive to make up for my lapses today from which i was reprimanded as they might cause a big trouble to the case handled by my boss attorney
- i need more energy since i'd be staying late the next day for a badminton practice
- i have to get up early to prepare what i'll wear to the office and the so many things i'll need to play badminton
- lack of sleep shows on my face and disorients my thinking
but it's past midnight and i'm not yet sleeping because, again, i got hooked on the internet. and i have yet to eat my supper and wash my face, at least. i'm damned!
Thursday, October 28, 2004
Confession Part II (tnx 2 frndster)
I haven’t said all in the first confession. Of course, I couldn’t say all, not only for the shame, but also for the triviality of it. Yes, it can get more trivial than this. But here I’ll speak of one night that happened more than a week after that call.
One day while at the office, a situation kept flashing in my mind - I was logged on to my friendster and was searching for his account using his email address. That act in my head was like a dream because I wasn’t deliberately thinking about it. I knew he didn’t have any friendster account as he said he didn’t have time for such. And there was really none when I tried searching for it a long time ago. So it surprised me that night, when I got home and did what had been flashing in my head during the day, to find that he already has a friendster account!
It was a very new account. Last log in was on the day that I called him up, and it seemed that it was also the day he signed up in friendster. There wasn’t much there. But it surely is his account because I put his email ad in the user search which months ago resulted in zero matches. No picture. The profile only contained his name, his age, his location, and had one friend in his list of friends. And in the required field of status, it was no shock to me at all that it indicated he is “in a relationship”.
It didn’t really shock me, because I already knew that he has a girlfriend. But I felt something weird. The information somehow awfully affected me. I couldn’t recall what went in my mind then. But I texted him something like this: Hi, jst saw u already hav frndster. it’s quite new. ddnt know ur in a rel. kaya pala u dnt ask me out anymore ksi di n un pwde. :c joke! niwey, gud luck in luv & career.
A little later, he replied that he just woke up from a weird and violent dream and thought it must be because of his present confusion at work. So we had a little exchange about it until he told me he had to do an assignment. Then I said something like: ok. do ur assgnmnt na. nxt time n kita intervw abt ur luvlife. secretive ka e, u tel me so many things abt urself xcept on dat subject. He replied that he was watching tv and wouldn’t do the assignment yet, so I may go ahead.
I asked him: who’s the lucky girl? gano n kyo ktagal? He answered something like: medyo matagal na. eversince college pa naman may gf na ko kaso nag-break kami. i have a new gf now. I replied: ya, u told me abt break-up w/ d old 1. san mo natagpuan c new 1? frm work? frm school? border? neighbor? He only reacted: andami mo naman tanong.ΓΌ
There was only one question. He obviously just didn’t want to answer it to which I know the answer. In my first confession, I said that I learned about his having a girlfriend months ago from a friend. It’s not that we have any common friend at all. My friend only happened to know him because they live in the same boarding house. So there… (Pardon my disorganized narration. I didn’t plan to give a lot of details but I’m afraid I got carried away.)
Receiving no response from him, I texted: di k n nga sumagot.it’s ok.2 personal e.bt il tel u it feels strnge knwin abt it only nw,cnsidrng ol dats bin sed.u may nt undrstnd wat i mean.i also dnt.sodntask. His reply: ur ryt, i dont understand wat u mean.
And so it became apparent that the things I considered to have been said between us were only things that have been joked about. I’d been so good in over-romanticizing. I’d been so wrong about him all along.
I told him to not mind my little strange feeling, and then said “nyt”. He said ok and good night.
I have yet to tell my friends about this foolishness. Maybe I’ll refer them to these confession entries anytime that I’m ready. So much for my happy ending…
One day while at the office, a situation kept flashing in my mind - I was logged on to my friendster and was searching for his account using his email address. That act in my head was like a dream because I wasn’t deliberately thinking about it. I knew he didn’t have any friendster account as he said he didn’t have time for such. And there was really none when I tried searching for it a long time ago. So it surprised me that night, when I got home and did what had been flashing in my head during the day, to find that he already has a friendster account!
It was a very new account. Last log in was on the day that I called him up, and it seemed that it was also the day he signed up in friendster. There wasn’t much there. But it surely is his account because I put his email ad in the user search which months ago resulted in zero matches. No picture. The profile only contained his name, his age, his location, and had one friend in his list of friends. And in the required field of status, it was no shock to me at all that it indicated he is “in a relationship”.
It didn’t really shock me, because I already knew that he has a girlfriend. But I felt something weird. The information somehow awfully affected me. I couldn’t recall what went in my mind then. But I texted him something like this: Hi, jst saw u already hav frndster. it’s quite new. ddnt know ur in a rel. kaya pala u dnt ask me out anymore ksi di n un pwde. :c joke! niwey, gud luck in luv & career.
A little later, he replied that he just woke up from a weird and violent dream and thought it must be because of his present confusion at work. So we had a little exchange about it until he told me he had to do an assignment. Then I said something like: ok. do ur assgnmnt na. nxt time n kita intervw abt ur luvlife. secretive ka e, u tel me so many things abt urself xcept on dat subject. He replied that he was watching tv and wouldn’t do the assignment yet, so I may go ahead.
I asked him: who’s the lucky girl? gano n kyo ktagal? He answered something like: medyo matagal na. eversince college pa naman may gf na ko kaso nag-break kami. i have a new gf now. I replied: ya, u told me abt break-up w/ d old 1. san mo natagpuan c new 1? frm work? frm school? border? neighbor? He only reacted: andami mo naman tanong.ΓΌ
There was only one question. He obviously just didn’t want to answer it to which I know the answer. In my first confession, I said that I learned about his having a girlfriend months ago from a friend. It’s not that we have any common friend at all. My friend only happened to know him because they live in the same boarding house. So there… (Pardon my disorganized narration. I didn’t plan to give a lot of details but I’m afraid I got carried away.)
Receiving no response from him, I texted: di k n nga sumagot.it’s ok.2 personal e.bt il tel u it feels strnge knwin abt it only nw,cnsidrng ol dats bin sed.u may nt undrstnd wat i mean.i also dnt.sodntask. His reply: ur ryt, i dont understand wat u mean.
And so it became apparent that the things I considered to have been said between us were only things that have been joked about. I’d been so good in over-romanticizing. I’d been so wrong about him all along.
I told him to not mind my little strange feeling, and then said “nyt”. He said ok and good night.
I have yet to tell my friends about this foolishness. Maybe I’ll refer them to these confession entries anytime that I’m ready. So much for my happy ending…
Sunday, October 24, 2004
Confession of a Foolish Girl
This was one of the most foolish things I did. But I don’t seem to regret it now. Believe me, it was beyond my normal courage to have done it - I called him!
It’s been a couple of weeks ago when that fateful night happened. That had been the day after my birthday, and about two months of hearing nothing from him. It is to be understood that I have ceased communication with him when I casually learned from a friend that he has a girlfriend. It caused a pain I kept to myself and on that impulse I deleted his cell phone number in my phonebook. The affected me didn’t want to text him anything that might give off my distress.
We had been constantly communicating through texts but he never told me about his girl. That was considerably strange if you know that he had kept me updated about his life in a way that would give the impression he is unattached, not to say the little teases he would hint for us, which I would always dismiss because it makes me uneasy, considering the obvious, that I like him. So bad. It was strange keeping that part of him from me knowing we have some friendship, not to say that he was intending to go out with me again, which turned out to be empty words of intentions.
I couldn’t text him. But he could still text me. And I would know if it was him by the first four digits of the unsaved number, and of course, by the familiar way he would start a conversation. But he never texted. And that was unusual. And I wondered why. And I stopped myself from wondering because it was useless. Or because it was damaging me. And so it was that on the night of that second month, I summoned all the strength I could to finally call him. Not to say anything, but to know what he has to say, if there would be any.
Being home alone that night must have caused that force of inspiration, apart from my desire to stop speculating. I picked up the phone and asked for him. For almost a minute that I had to wait for him to get the call, I almost put the phone down. Then he was on the line. Yes, why? I really had nothing to say. Nothing. That was more of the unusual call when it was the caller who waits for the message. I couldn’t demand for him to tell me something, right? Good thing he asked how am I and commented why I didn’t just text. I said I’m fine and that I lost his number. He said he already gave me his new number, anyway, he would text it to me later. And so began our usual updates in life. Latest movies, troubles at work, next plans, blah blah blah.
He texted after that call and asked when is my birthday. How weird he asked. I told him so because it was only yesterday. He greeted me and asked what was I doing. I was already connected to the internet then so my very late reply didn’t get a response.
He never mentioned about his love life still. Not even when we were texting again about his plans and confusion at work to which he was feeling helpless about. Anyway, a few times I hinted on that subject to him, but he just wouldn’t yield to it. Oh, well.
I haven’t told anyone about this. My friends would probably understand my act, but I couldn’t yet start telling them. I’m still ashamed of such foolishness. This confession is supposed to be an outlet while I try to overcome the feeling of shame.
It’s been a couple of weeks ago when that fateful night happened. That had been the day after my birthday, and about two months of hearing nothing from him. It is to be understood that I have ceased communication with him when I casually learned from a friend that he has a girlfriend. It caused a pain I kept to myself and on that impulse I deleted his cell phone number in my phonebook. The affected me didn’t want to text him anything that might give off my distress.
We had been constantly communicating through texts but he never told me about his girl. That was considerably strange if you know that he had kept me updated about his life in a way that would give the impression he is unattached, not to say the little teases he would hint for us, which I would always dismiss because it makes me uneasy, considering the obvious, that I like him. So bad. It was strange keeping that part of him from me knowing we have some friendship, not to say that he was intending to go out with me again, which turned out to be empty words of intentions.
I couldn’t text him. But he could still text me. And I would know if it was him by the first four digits of the unsaved number, and of course, by the familiar way he would start a conversation. But he never texted. And that was unusual. And I wondered why. And I stopped myself from wondering because it was useless. Or because it was damaging me. And so it was that on the night of that second month, I summoned all the strength I could to finally call him. Not to say anything, but to know what he has to say, if there would be any.
Being home alone that night must have caused that force of inspiration, apart from my desire to stop speculating. I picked up the phone and asked for him. For almost a minute that I had to wait for him to get the call, I almost put the phone down. Then he was on the line. Yes, why? I really had nothing to say. Nothing. That was more of the unusual call when it was the caller who waits for the message. I couldn’t demand for him to tell me something, right? Good thing he asked how am I and commented why I didn’t just text. I said I’m fine and that I lost his number. He said he already gave me his new number, anyway, he would text it to me later. And so began our usual updates in life. Latest movies, troubles at work, next plans, blah blah blah.
He texted after that call and asked when is my birthday. How weird he asked. I told him so because it was only yesterday. He greeted me and asked what was I doing. I was already connected to the internet then so my very late reply didn’t get a response.
He never mentioned about his love life still. Not even when we were texting again about his plans and confusion at work to which he was feeling helpless about. Anyway, a few times I hinted on that subject to him, but he just wouldn’t yield to it. Oh, well.
I haven’t told anyone about this. My friends would probably understand my act, but I couldn’t yet start telling them. I’m still ashamed of such foolishness. This confession is supposed to be an outlet while I try to overcome the feeling of shame.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)