The Right Man (is not the one who left)

I have had my plenty share of romantic-related heartaches since I was barely in my 20s. Now in my mid-30s I have not settled down despite having been engaged a few years ago.

Too many times I have believed without a doubt I have found the one for me. As I grew older, I mistakenly thought I was mature enough to know each time I fell in love (or got infatuated), that it was real. Then it would prove to not be so, because those relationships didn't last. What gives?

On all occasions, it was me who got left behind. Being more on the introvert side, I was passive at making friends and even more so with romantic prospects. So it was such a huge letdown when guys would dump me after having broken through my wall, such that it shattered me believing some things are wrong with me.

I knew it was not for my beauty that some of those men were drawn to me. I was an average or ordinary in terms of attractiveness. I felt it was for genuine connection and friendship that established special relationship with those men, whether or not it was formally labeled as a romantic one or unofficially along those lines or zone. Still, they left me. For no reasons I could pinpoint. And I was quite sure they weren't bad guys either. So I just blame myself -- that something is wrong in my personality.

It was a struggle to overcome that insecurity. It took surrendering to the inexplicable phenomenon that some things simply do not work out, without having to mean that one was in the wrong. No one has to be the bad one for any relationship to fall out.

The realization taught me to be kinder to myself and to understand others who have been hard on themselves after a failed relationship. It helped me to be kinder to the person I am with, because in him I found a forgiver who regards me as a keeper. So I am keeping him -- the one who does not leave.

On Landian

'Di naman masamang lumandi

if with good intentions;

yung hindi ka lang basta pa-fall,

tapos wala ka dun para sumalo

sakaling mahulog nga sya

Ayos lang na makipaglandian

if you’re also guarding the other person’s heart,

not just your own;

if you’re careful not to lead the other on

to uncertain zones

Minsan kailangan talaga na may landi

kung sinasadya na maging close,

na magkagaanan ng loob,

dahil like mo sya (nang may malisya);

at tinatantya mo din kung may mutual likeness

May pagkakataong okay din yung landian

na hanggang landian lang;

kung pareho n’yong alam na ganun lang yun,

na bawal seryosohin yung kilig factors

Pero hindi dapat basta-basta manglandi

kung hindi ka naman sure

kung ang tugon nya ay purong pagtitiwala

(dahil gullible sya)

o baka sumasakay lang sa mga hirit mo

Ingat ingat din sa paglandi,

hindi kasi birong paglaruan ang puso;

posible kang maka-break ng heart

o sarili mong puso ang mawasak

——

I never felt alone until i met you

I’m alright on my own, then I met you

And I'd know what to do if i just knew what's coming

-Deep Inside of You, Third Eye Blind

08 Mar ’15; 20:05

Seattle’s Best, Fairview Terraces

CFC SFL Nova District Assembly: God is Generous

The SFL Nova had its district assembly post-WSC on a Friday evening of 14 March 2014 at the Palace of the Rock, St. Peter Parish at Commonwealth Avenue, Q.C. On the backdrop at the stage, we could see that the theme is “God is Generous (GiG)”. Everybody seemed to be in high spirits as brothers and sisters in Christ gathered again as a district two weeks after the congress in Batangas City. From the arrival time, the mood lingered of WSC hangover with most wearing their missionary 24/7 shirt, music ministry playing songs learned from the congress, and chitchats on moments remembered from last WSC.

During the assembly proper, the opening prayer was led by Sam Sevalla, who exemplified choosing to be brave by leading us to worship despite admitting his feeling of unworthiness. Next came the series of sharing by Juls Pajarillo, Louie Lebantino, Ira Malonzo, Mercy Somera, and Thel Reazo who inspired us with their accounts of how they witnessed God’s grace, providence, and love that equipped them to be brave in their relationships, for their work and family, and in their service in the community.

As if that is not enough to lift us up, there was more to fill our spirits through the talk about “GIG” delivered by Raine Eguico. We were reminded that it is by God’s generosity that we are immensely blessed. She enumerated the different points for giving tithes consistently, one of which is that it teaches us to be selfless.

Also, that we are supporting Christian missions/ evangelization through the tithes we give, somehow making us “missionaries” on that aspect. After that talk, we were prayed over and then we were asked to assess our income and expenses. Correspondingly, we reflect on the commitment to tithe consistently. We were each given a small piece of paper where we put our identity and the amount of tithe we would commit to give every month. By that procedure, we were not forced to contribute 10% of our total income, but we were encouraged to consistently tithe any amount from the heart. After all, we are called to be like God who is generosity Himself.

A manifestation of such generosity was our fine venue and the delightful snack we partook of after the closing prayer, courtesy of couple coordinators. That is, despite not paying any registration fee for that district assembly. Truly, God is generous forever and ever. #GiG

100 Things We Learned in Mt. Pulag

On 24-25 March 2012, a group of 4 unwavering spirits pursued their dream to climb Mt. Pulag despite several odds. It almost didn't push through if not for the bravery and indifference countered up against all obstacles faced before we even reached the beginning of the trail. We craved for adventure, so we fought for it.

In the week since that climb, the group collectively shared via email all the things we learned from the experience. It reached 100 in a week's time. Here's the list, by Kolai, Lorraine, Rhea and myself:

1. there is no amount of rented/borrowed tent that will save you when mother nature decides to let it pour 12 hrs straight

2. You will love garbage bags up there. Bring lotsa them!

3. read the "complete" art of sleeping in sitting position

4. You won't mind paying a hundred or even a thousand (exag lang) bucks for a hot noodle soup.

5. somehow screaming after the first buhos decreases the effect of cold water for bath.

6. Oresol, softdrinks and efficascent oil should be part of the medicine kit.(Di ba, Lorraine?)

7. trail foods were meant to be eaten and not preserved.

8. once yu reach the camp site eat & replenish your energy; do not sleep immediately.

9. Bring some alcoholic drinks/wine to keep you warm.

10. remember to bring out your water bottle from your bag before using it as a makeshift pillow.

11. Don't get sick. (period!)

12. Next time, aim to climb the summit at noon, when the temperature should be higher.

13. Bring herbal medicine (paututan ata yung tawag sa binigay sakin ni Kuya Alex. :P)

14. Bring a dual sim phone--for Globe plus another sim.

15. Ang paglalakad sa bundok parang life lang. Smile at people you meet. Pag pagod ka na, take a break then keep walking. Pag nadulas ka, get up right away and say "Ok lang ako." (para may "Miriam Quiambao" effect)

16. Share your life with others; never assume you are going through anything alone. Pag umuulan, basa ka na, mag-isa ka sa tent, at may gin ka, maghanap ka ng kasamang iinom. For all you know, there are people out there, in the same predicament, who'd be willing to drink with you.

17. Be kind to others who like pink. Down the road, they may become your friends.

18. Cruelty to animals should really be banned. But after a Pulag climb, if they serve you pinikpikan, be appreciative.

19. Make sure your sunblock won't spill. Pero ok lang if you have friends who'd be willing to use it/let you apply it on them.

20. Don't wear your school jacket on a climb (so you don't, in any way, "injure" the name of your school).

21. In a parallel universe, people who weren't nice to you/have hurt you may actually be the ones who would lend you a hand.

22. Bringing up clothing to keep you warm is rendered pointless when you have not kept them dry.

23. Never underestimate the power of body heat. It's best to set aside malicious thoughts on unusual body contacts.

24. Laughing can keep you sane (& alive) through a long, arduous night.

25. It is important to pray. It should've been done together as a group.

26. The mini stove is essential, not optional.

27. You can trust strangers (who have passion for climbing).

28. You may grumble all you want all night, but you realize in the morning you really don't regret having joined the climb in the first place. You even say it was a great experience. (Crazy, right?)

29. You may be cold to the bones, but it warms your heart upon encountering nice people.

30. You envy those who snore. They were able to snooze unlike you.

31. The summit is not the be-all of climbing. Not having reached it doesn't make the experience any less worthwhile.

32. You develop a leveled-up respect for mountaineers.

33. It was good not knowing you're embarking on a "major" climb, but rather be deceptively comforted it was a "beginner's" trail; cause you would've not joined and then missed all the fun.

34. You've got to balance your need to quench your thirst with your tolerance to pee (in the hole or anywhere).

35. Even if it was inconvenient, you still got to try your best to be clean & hygienic because you have company.

36. An adventurous spirit gives you a happy disposition.

37. Remember to bring your mobile phone when you decide to buy food in any bus stop over; for all you know your friends are trying to contact you because the bus is leaving.

38. Even up in the mountains, gender equality exists. Female porters & guides anyone?

39. Not because you are up in the mountains doesnt mean you have to leave courtesy back in the city.

40. You won't have time for photo ops when your hands are full.

41. There's always a first time for everything. Don't be discouraged if things didn't turn out the way you expected it to be.

42. Even in the hardest times, you"ll surely find simple things that will make you smile.

43. Take as many pictures as you can while you're still on the trail.

44. Having no access to the cyberworld for a day or two is not that bad after all.

45. Jogging once a week cannot be considered enough physical preparation.

46. It's true what they say that you get to know another person better when you travel with him/her.

47. Extreme cold weather will make your body shiver; even body parts you seldom use.

48. Be not afraid to eat all your packed food during your stay. Due to the cold weather your body will burn the food that you ate & turn it into energy to provide body heat.

49. One way to punish yourself is to go on a trek without proper rest and/or training.

50. During the trek don't pant. Just breathe.

51. Eat foods that are rich in fiber like apples if you're not comfortable using the open pit.

52. DIY trip is more exciting, adventurous and way cheaper.

53. Bring cards/ice breaker.

54. Everyone has a story to tell. Kelangan lang mangulit ng konti.

55. As the saying goes, "pag gusto, may paraan". Never lose hope even when everyone around you is telling you otherwise.

56. No matter how much you try not to tell your sick friend what she/he is going thru, there will always be some one who will do it for you. (then you're left with your eyes wide open)

57. It's not cool to say "chill!" to somebody suffering due to the cold weather.

58. The park superintendent is a fascinating mix of a stand-up comedienne and a doting mother

59. It won't hurt to check weather forecasts before a major climb. For your own safety, believe PAGASA.

60. Before a climb, do more research on risks and first aid. (On the other hand, ignorance can also be indeed bliss. You won't panic.... you'd just suffer calmly. And when they tell you it's hypothermia, you just accept it and ask yourself: "Ano kaya talaga ibig sabihin nun?")

61. Never assume that tents are waterproof.

62. During desperate times, go where your guides are. They are most likely in a better place.

63. Efficascent oil may make you smell like an elderly, but they will definitely help keep you alive. So pili kalang: you smell old but are alive, or you continue to suffer dahil maarte ka. :P

64. An anti-social tent is a tent in need.

65. When you have to go, you have to go. just turn your back on the tent population, face the fog and release.

66. Don't be shy/afraid to ask for help. Dial a friend/ask around.

67. Angels are everywhere. You can even find them in the mountains.

68. Mountain climbing is a good form of bonding not just for friends but also for families.

69. Laying under the sun is not limited to the sandy beach alone. It can also be done up in the mountains.

70. Going on a mountain trek is always best done with a back pack to free up both your hands.

71. Let your loved ones know that you're going on a climb. It's even better if you give them the contact numbers of your companions so that they'll know who else to contact if they can't reach you.

72. Bring barf bags.

73. Be sure to have enough sleep before the climb if you don't want to collapse along the trail.

74. Colorful and oversized raincoats may look baduy down here in the city, but it's more than a fashion statement up there in the mountain.

75. Seminars and briefings can be a drag in some sitch but this one you have to take. It could spell a big difference between safety & disaster.

76. Take note of emergency numbers/hotlines.

77. It's fascinating to know that even strangers care.

78. The picturesque sights of the unusual flora at the biodiverse mt. pulag can take your breath away, even as you're still catching your breath from the long climb.

79. It's way more astig to get on top of a monster jeepney, than making sabit on one. (for picture taking lang ha)

80. The ride on a long, winding, & bumpy road won't stop you from still trying to catch some snooze.

81. You couldn't care less about sunbathing in the middle of a crowd on a campsite when your back badly needed to lie flat. (you even thought that onlookers were envious. haha!)

82. Up in the mountains with cold weather & 12 hrs down pour, re-using your soiled clothes to keep you warm had never been so practical.

83. Given the chance, i would not mind buying 2-3 extra butane to keep us warm.

84. Singing will take your mind off the trail distance you have to cover.

85. Your body will be filled with air because of the cold weather up there. It will be hard to control releasing that fart/gas out of your body. :P

86. Body heat will run out eventually.Thus, lesson #48.

87. There is such a thing as altitude sickness. Thus, as in life, don't rush climbing up the mountain. Walk slowly; take the time to smell the flowers.

88. Doctors can be nice cheerleaders. Especially when they tell you to just improve your cardiovascular system to lessen risks of altitude sickness, but to proceed with what you want to do. Because "maraming masaya sa Pulag, sayang naman kung di ka pupunta" (or something to that effect. I wanted to hug her!)

89. Seemingly bad experiences are very rich sources of very valuable, life-saving lessons.

90. Every travel is full of learning. Kaya, san ang next destination natin?

91. Learn to appreciate the small things. That slight ray of sunshine could be the last warm thing you'll feel way before you get to pitch tent.

92. To answer Q90: Because it's a wet summer, the next destination this year should definitely be NOT another climb. (Example, beach, para makapag-sunbathing si Mae.... :D Peace!)

93. Early morning rain in mt. Pulag can make you produce smoke when you're talking. (kala ko movie effects lang dati)

94. At the DENR station they sell hand gloves; and they're not just for souvenir.

95. It is always nice being with kindred spirits, but more so going on an adventure with them.

96. When sick & you're up in the mountain, you'll think of creative ways to get help.

97. Before you start your trek, get some nice picture of your group. It'll be the last time you'll get your hands free to do it.

98. A weekend like that can change you.. and the way you feel about somebody.

99. From camp 2, ang summit parang crush lang: so near yet so far.

100. You can actually learn 100 lessons in Mt. Pulag. Enumerating these lessons will squeeze out the creative juices in you.

This is the list that would be nice to go through whenever we would like to reminisce that weekend we almost regretted having.

smileepy

how easy it had always been for you to make me smile
to make me laugh in the middle, deep inside
that is when you'll see me looking so sleepy
because that's how i am when happy
like i could sleep from sheer contentment

maulan kasi

ganitong maulan ang panahon
kung pwede lang hindi na babangon
palagay ko ikaw ay sasang-ayon
pipiliin mo ding nakakumot maghapon

ngunit sana ikaw ay kapiling ko
hindi iyong nagte-text lang tayo
ipagpapalit ko itong paboritong kumot
basta sa yakap mo ako'y mababalot

matitiis mo ba ang aking paanyaya
o nais mo din kayang madama ang hiwaga
na dulot nitong ulang ayaw tumila
gaya ng isip kong sa iyo nangulila

ngunit sana huwag mo nang patagalin
ang paghihintay ko sa iyong pagdating
sandaling mo mang lulusubin ang buhos
ginaw papawiin sa yakap kong sasalubong

damdamin ko'y humihiyaw sa tuwa
tuwing umuulan at kapiling ka

-basil valdez

(nung araw na maulan nga, pero wala naman talaga akong ka-text)

reclaimed blog

wow. i just reclaimed my blogspot account. i created it in 2004 and the last entry was in 2006. that had been half a decade since. i just found out that blogger was merged with google. i was even a little scared that i would not be able to recover it because the email i used back then was no longer in existence. it helped that i still had that single password i used for signing in almost all of my internet-based accounts. so here i am posting a re-entry post.

even though i had nothing sensible to say. because after all these years, i still just mumble and murmur about my musings...

tongue-tied

sometimes i like to say thank you
for not just knowing me, but for understanding me
for needing me and for empathizing with my troubles
for smiling when i try to make you do
or when you are trying to make me too

there are times i want to plead you to stop bugging me
because it is hard to keep this friendship on the surface
when beneath it is something else, something vulnerable
or because it could be that i am being played upon

at times i intend to tell you how sorry i am
for believing that you could have fought for me
for hating you for unconsciously hurting me
for loving you too much, perhaps more than you can bear
sorry for trying, but failing, to forget you

times come when i feel like bidding you goodbye
because i am wasted and weary of this wicked cycle
of hanging around when i am strong
and then of staying away when i am weak

there will be times i wish to express
how much you are loved by me
although i could barely say i miss you
i pray that somehow you could feel this love
a love that would never leave you lonely

but most often i never knew what to say
i could not decide which to tell first or which to omit
i could not find the words or the way to start
when all at the same time i am needing to tell you:
thank you
stop bugging me
i am sorry
goodbye
i love you

pagtingin

maaari bang
panoorin lang kita
at hindi muna kausapin

nais lang kitang tingnan
nang walang alinlangan
habang ika'y tumatawa
nagmumukmok
nakikipagkwentuhan
walang ginagawa
o nagmamasid din

gusto ko sanang
huwag mo munang pansinin
kung ako'y nananahimik
pagmamasdan lang kita
na panatag ditong
nagpapaanod sa panonood

dahil hanap kong damhin
na nariyan ka lamang
na walang dapat ipag-alala

at kapag kasama kita
kahit hindi na kita tingnan
sapat na
basta kapiling na kita
sapat na


(para ito sa isang nakilala.. kaso hindi na pwede.. haaayy sadness..)

tuwing umuulan

tuwing umuulan
naaalala mo ako
dahil kaya may dala itong lungkot
kung kaya nais mong may makasama?

sa t'wing uulan
ika'y nagpaparamdam
at sinisimulan natin ang pag-uusap
tungkol sa mga bagay na lumipas

taglay ng pagbabago ng panahon
ang pareho nating pagpapaanod
sa mga damdaming inaalala
at ito'y ating kinasanayan

kaya't kung dumarating ang ulan
alam kong maaalala mo ako
di ko na lamang tiyak
kung mas una na kitang naiisip

marami na ang pagbuhos
na tayo ang magkaramay
nagpapalipas ng lumbay
nang-aaliw, nagpapaaliw

ito man ay lilipas din
darating ang tag-ulan
na maaaring ako'y maalala mo
ngunit di ka magpaparamdam
itong ambon ay magdadala ng mga patak
na galing sa mga mata

moonstruck

[adj.1.mentally deranged. 2.dreamily romantic or bemused.]

the moon was full that night. it had been an exhausting day but the cool breeze relaxed my body. it had been weeks since then on one of those weekly gatherings but it didn't become the usual night because someone happened to be sweet to me again. was he really sweet or was he simply inspired to be a little more nice to me, i couldn't tell. but perhaps, i had only been moonstruck.

he used to have my heart about 3 years ago. but i took it back when it seemed he didn't want to have anything to do with it when he broke it unintentionally. he knew it and he was sorry.

that night, he was suddenly in his mood of years back of being close to me.

i was in my solitary moon-watching outside the assembly room when he distracted me. he had nothing particular to say. i had forgotten the last time just the two of us talked for that long. we get to meet a lot of times but always with our group of friends. so there was unease and some nostalgic feeling in me the whole time we were together. when i commented about how beautiful the moon was, he agreed saying that it was romantic because it was full. he had engaged me in a conversation while we keep looking at the sky.

i wondered if he had sensed my uneasiness. i wondered if he remembered the past. i wondered why i was wondering. i wondered whether it could be because i still have special feeling for him, or only because of its memories. i wondered if he misses me the way i miss him at times. i even wondered if i should be bothered by it at all.

weeks had passed since then. i knew there was nothing to that unusual encounter with the man i loved. there was only a memory to recall, on that night a dreamer bathed under the moon.

keeping dry

it rained all of a sudden one high noon. i didn't have my umbrella with me; i had my sunglasses instead. feeling all alone, i found shelter in a lobby of a building where i had managed to run to before the heavy downpour. i felt so helpless that my spirit was dampened than my body had avoided to be. i was worried being stranded as i won't be able to accomplish what i had to do in the little time i could afford for the task. i would be damned for that lapse.

of the few things i had with me then, i was most thankful to have my cellphone. someone had kept me company in my unexpected misery. of the people who could have been the one to console me, i was glad that it was him who allowed to be bothered. it so happened that he started some catching up thru texting before it rained. and so it was to him that i expressed my woe. he said words to ease my worries.

my spirit was damp. but he prevented it from becoming drenched, for the way he was concerned had brought in a little sunshine. it had not brought me out of trouble from work and school, but he had kept me dry somehow.

morissette & mraz

Alanis and Jason. They're my top favorite music artists. It got me excited to have learned that they did a concert tour together. Excited only about the idea, and of course not of getting the chance to see them together. How could that be? Unless i won an all-expense paid trip to see the show. I'm not sure if it would matter that I'd have no company, the free ticket was not even possible. Anyway, it really was thrilling for me. I could only wonder how they would present their distinct kind of music in one show.

Alanis is celebrating the 10th year of her jagged little pill (JLP) album. Could you believe it had been that old? I remember my highschool & college days when i used to yelp with her songs which i memorized (even the tongue-twisting angsty parts) and which i never get tired of playing over and again with my guitar or on my cassette player. I listened to her tapes even if they've become old. I loved her up to the next few albums that she released, although she wasn't as phenomenal in later years. JLP had been my most favorite album for a long time, that's for almost a decade.

Then Jason introduced himself to me through his Waiting for my Rocket to Come album. His music was not something that i liked on the first impression. Actually, i only got curious of the album when i chanced upon reading the lyrics. How i loved the lines! And so i purchased the album at the time when YOu and I Both was already on the airwaves, meaning when it has long been released with the first single Sleep All Day. I liked many of the songs then pretty soon, they grew on me (as they say), and i decided the album to be my most favorite. Sleep All Day even became one of my top fave songs, considering it never appealed to me when it was a hit. So there, i memorized more tongue-twirling lyrics of Mraz' fast songs.

It makes me happy knowing that they appreciate each other's music. I never imagined they'd have some connection since they don't make the same type of music. But maybe they do, on the aspect of making reflective, personal, and thoughtful songs- the things i love about their art.

Alanis released an acoustic version of JLP. Jason came out with Mr.A-Z, containing 3 original songs. Can i hope that one day soon they'll do a concert together here?

(BTW, i'm also wishing that Rivermaya & Bamboo will do a back-to-back concert. My friends said it could never happen. But should it be possible, it surely will be a blast.)

due to the insistent demand...

of chum, i'm writing this entry. but since i was only compelled by her insistence, including on those occasions when we personally talk, she might not be pleased by this kind of response. because there will be no update to be discussed. at least she gets to read this entry in her honor(?). hehe! friends can make demands. and because we love them nonetheless, we sometimes try to give them even a semblance of what they ask for. it just goes to show that we truly care for each other. isn't that right, chum? peace!

schumacher

This is not about Michael. I didn’t know who that Schumacher is. Everybody knows that racing icon but I never heard about him as I never got into the racing world. But lately, I learned a few things about him, including Formula 1 and the cars, through some friends and from a magazine. I suddenly got interested, that’s all. How come?

This is not about Michael’s brother who they said is also a racing driver. I just checked that his name is Ralf.

This is not about Joel. I didn’t know him either. I did come across his name on some films- Joel Schumacher Films. But I could not identify any one right now nor could I describe what kind of a filmmaker he is. It's easy to know about that from the net, though.

This is about someone who’s not a Schumacher at all. One of his nicknames starts with the letter “A”. We were in the silent part of our conversation one night on the ride home when I whisper-read “Schumacher” from a mudguard of a jeepney.

He saw that, but I didn’t expect he’d heard me read it. Then he asked if I watch racing. I said no, there’s just a Schumacher of the film that was familiar. End of the subject. It’s been several weeks since then but I would not let him know that I learned who Michael of the racing is. That’s not my point for getting interested.

I find wonder in how it came to be that “Schumacher” will always be associated with him. It amuses me that some force had made me want to know about Schumacher of racing by that little talk... I’m aware of my special feeling for “A”. I’m aware of his special feeling for me, too. But there’s nothing about it I’m willing to discuss. They’re trivial things that are supposed to amount to nothing. One time he told me the brand of milk he buys for his infant son. So you see, this isn’t about any Schumacher at all. It’s about other things I could not tell about.

Hello!

Hello bloggers!

just want to announce that im still alive. wahehe! it's been almost 2 months since i last posted an entry. i missed it. siguro wala nang dumadayo sa blog na ito. i had many things to blog about but i had missed writing them here. sayang! oh well, i have my mini diary to refer to those experiences, beautiful & tragic, that i failed to share here.

that doesn't mean na hindi na ko nagpupuyat. madalas pa rin. pero hindi na sa internet. few minutes na lang ako sa computer pag nasa bahay. sa office walang internet. kasali kami sa 4day workwk. so when i get home from work, i stay up for only a few hours- to eat, watch tv, fix self & things. sometimes i turn on the PC just to check email & download photos. there are days when i come home at past midnight when we have meetings related to sfc. like i always say, i feel like i always don't get enough sleep. but im not complaining. nasabi ko lang yun kaya di na ko nagpupuyat sa computer.

pero ngayon nagpupuyat ulit ako. naawa kasi ako sa blog ko. ang plain na nga ng layout, wala pang content. haaay! salamat kina sheryl, chum, & pj na napadaan dito, pero pasensya na din. most likely, hindi ko na ito maa-update palagi. andami ko bagong priorites. this is the time of my life when i wish i were smarter, stronger, & better person just to do those things i want to do in the limited time that i have. or i wish i have more time & energy for them. don't we always wish that way? isn't this about being older? we don't have these wishes when we were younger, i think.

super uso na pala ngayon ang friendster blog no? i still don't have it. & i may not gonna have 1 anytime soon. baka nga never.

o sya! nag-update lang talaga ako. gusto ko lang magka-entry for this month. yun nga lang, walang kwento. walang kwenta? wahaha! whatever! hope you're all having a fine time...

bye bye, sir

my boss' resignment becomes effective today. when he told me last month about his resignation for a better job opprtunity, i accepted it with a silent sadness. the thought of his diminishing days of stay in the office was breaking my heart. finally, sir's last day as a counsel for a government agency arrived.

later, sir will be reporting to a new office- surely very unlike the unsophisticated workplace he left. sir will still be performing his usual stuff as a trial lawyer, more or less, with better compensation. later, i will go to work and sir won't be in his table as usual. only this time, it's not because i arrive earlier or he appears in a court hearing somewhere. sir simply won't be expected to be there anymore.

sir was basically the only boss i ever had, as i am in my first job for more than 3 years now. sir had been an ideal one of a kind employee of our agency and boss to me that i considered myself lucky to be assigned to him. sir not only works honestly, he has passion for his work. i fear that i may never have or find a boss who is half as good. those who know us have observed that sir and i have an effective tandem.

i will definitely miss him very badly. i don't know how i will get through my day later, or all the coming workdays with this great change. i shall eventually get used to the adjustments in the office. and i hope to have a good relationship with whoever i will get my instructions from.

i learned so many good things from sir. he has inspired me with his passion and endearing character. he is out of my worklife now, but he will be one of the top unforgettable persons i value in my life.

not from me

while we were walking with our other friends one midnight, u suddenly walked to a store and bought a cigarette. that's just the way u always do it, u leave without a warning, then u return just as silently as u left, and already smoking. but i wanted to comment on your habit once again.

u told me last year that u would quit smoking, i reminded u. then u explained that one could not just stop smoking, that it's a gradual process. u said u have reduced the number of sticks u consume in a day, from 10 to about 5 now. u were very proud of that. i noted that it was fairly good considering that it's an addiction that's hard to fight. our other friends also encouraged u to work on it harder.

we were walking on. i was recalling that time last year when we were conversing about new year's resolutions. u didn't have any so u asked me what resolutions i'd make if i were u. u said u would not get offended with whatever i come up with. u liked the only 2 resolutions i suggested so u made them as your own for that year. i wondered if u remember that but i did not bring it up. it had been over a year then as we walked on while u smoked away.

then u declared, with a cackle as if u were joking, that u’d finally end the habit “pag may nagpatigil”. i held back any response i might have given that time. i dared not clarify what u meant by that because u could have meant someone. and not anyone. had i been certain it could be anyone, i might have risked my worth on u again. just one more time. but then it could be someone. so i kept the mumblings in my head until we parted ways.


(this is for “w” who i loved. i let go of him some years back but there were relapses of my non-platonic love for him.)

sitting pretty in bora

last weekend 1st times:
-to ride on a plane
-to join the sfc ilc
-to wear 2-pc in public
-to be in boracay
that shall definitely not be the lasts

because of the boy beside me

he chose to sit next to me in the church
or maybe, it just so happened
the nearness was making me weak
oh no, it was leaving me breathless

and so i only heard the words in the mass
without finding meaning in them
as the boy beside me was just beside me
being silent, breathing in and breathing out

i could feel his every little movement
while mine was restrained to avoid skin contact
i could see his skin and hair without looking
we were so close, that idea had taken me over

with the choir's songs, i only lipsynched
so he wouldn't hear the tremble in my voice
and so i could listen better to his voice
in which my heart drowned in enthrallment

the boy beside me left me breathless
how was a girl supposed to deal
with the joining of hands during a prayer
with his little comments about nothing

i had been such a girl last sunday
because of the boy beside me