The Right Man (is not the one who left)

I have had my plenty share of romantic-related heartaches since I was barely in my 20s. Now in my mid-30s I have not settled down despite having been engaged a few years ago.

Too many times I have believed without a doubt I have found the one for me. As I grew older, I mistakenly thought I was mature enough to know each time I fell in love (or got infatuated), that it was real. Then it would prove to not be so, because those relationships didn't last. What gives?

On all occasions, it was me who got left behind. Being more on the introvert side, I was passive at making friends and even more so with romantic prospects. So it was such a huge letdown when guys would dump me after having broken through my wall, such that it shattered me believing some things are wrong with me.

I knew it was not for my beauty that some of those men were drawn to me. I was an average or ordinary in terms of attractiveness. I felt it was for genuine connection and friendship that established special relationship with those men, whether or not it was formally labeled as a romantic one or unofficially along those lines or zone. Still, they left me. For no reasons I could pinpoint. And I was quite sure they weren't bad guys either. So I just blame myself -- that something is wrong in my personality.

It was a struggle to overcome that insecurity. It took surrendering to the inexplicable phenomenon that some things simply do not work out, without having to mean that one was in the wrong. No one has to be the bad one for any relationship to fall out.

The realization taught me to be kinder to myself and to understand others who have been hard on themselves after a failed relationship. It helped me to be kinder to the person I am with, because in him I found a forgiver who regards me as a keeper. So I am keeping him -- the one who does not leave.

On Landian

'Di naman masamang lumandi

if with good intentions;

yung hindi ka lang basta pa-fall,

tapos wala ka dun para sumalo

sakaling mahulog nga sya

Ayos lang na makipaglandian

if you’re also guarding the other person’s heart,

not just your own;

if you’re careful not to lead the other on

to uncertain zones

Minsan kailangan talaga na may landi

kung sinasadya na maging close,

na magkagaanan ng loob,

dahil like mo sya (nang may malisya);

at tinatantya mo din kung may mutual likeness

May pagkakataong okay din yung landian

na hanggang landian lang;

kung pareho n’yong alam na ganun lang yun,

na bawal seryosohin yung kilig factors

Pero hindi dapat basta-basta manglandi

kung hindi ka naman sure

kung ang tugon nya ay purong pagtitiwala

(dahil gullible sya)

o baka sumasakay lang sa mga hirit mo

Ingat ingat din sa paglandi,

hindi kasi birong paglaruan ang puso;

posible kang maka-break ng heart

o sarili mong puso ang mawasak

——

I never felt alone until i met you

I’m alright on my own, then I met you

And I'd know what to do if i just knew what's coming

-Deep Inside of You, Third Eye Blind

08 Mar ’15; 20:05

Seattle’s Best, Fairview Terraces

CFC SFL Nova District Assembly: God is Generous

The SFL Nova had its district assembly post-WSC on a Friday evening of 14 March 2014 at the Palace of the Rock, St. Peter Parish at Commonwealth Avenue, Q.C. On the backdrop at the stage, we could see that the theme is “God is Generous (GiG)”. Everybody seemed to be in high spirits as brothers and sisters in Christ gathered again as a district two weeks after the congress in Batangas City. From the arrival time, the mood lingered of WSC hangover with most wearing their missionary 24/7 shirt, music ministry playing songs learned from the congress, and chitchats on moments remembered from last WSC.

During the assembly proper, the opening prayer was led by Sam Sevalla, who exemplified choosing to be brave by leading us to worship despite admitting his feeling of unworthiness. Next came the series of sharing by Juls Pajarillo, Louie Lebantino, Ira Malonzo, Mercy Somera, and Thel Reazo who inspired us with their accounts of how they witnessed God’s grace, providence, and love that equipped them to be brave in their relationships, for their work and family, and in their service in the community.

As if that is not enough to lift us up, there was more to fill our spirits through the talk about “GIG” delivered by Raine Eguico. We were reminded that it is by God’s generosity that we are immensely blessed. She enumerated the different points for giving tithes consistently, one of which is that it teaches us to be selfless.

Also, that we are supporting Christian missions/ evangelization through the tithes we give, somehow making us “missionaries” on that aspect. After that talk, we were prayed over and then we were asked to assess our income and expenses. Correspondingly, we reflect on the commitment to tithe consistently. We were each given a small piece of paper where we put our identity and the amount of tithe we would commit to give every month. By that procedure, we were not forced to contribute 10% of our total income, but we were encouraged to consistently tithe any amount from the heart. After all, we are called to be like God who is generosity Himself.

A manifestation of such generosity was our fine venue and the delightful snack we partook of after the closing prayer, courtesy of couple coordinators. That is, despite not paying any registration fee for that district assembly. Truly, God is generous forever and ever. #GiG

100 Things We Learned in Mt. Pulag

On 24-25 March 2012, a group of 4 unwavering spirits pursued their dream to climb Mt. Pulag despite several odds. It almost didn't push through if not for the bravery and indifference countered up against all obstacles faced before we even reached the beginning of the trail. We craved for adventure, so we fought for it.

In the week since that climb, the group collectively shared via email all the things we learned from the experience. It reached 100 in a week's time. Here's the list, by Kolai, Lorraine, Rhea and myself:

1. there is no amount of rented/borrowed tent that will save you when mother nature decides to let it pour 12 hrs straight

2. You will love garbage bags up there. Bring lotsa them!

3. read the "complete" art of sleeping in sitting position

4. You won't mind paying a hundred or even a thousand (exag lang) bucks for a hot noodle soup.

5. somehow screaming after the first buhos decreases the effect of cold water for bath.

6. Oresol, softdrinks and efficascent oil should be part of the medicine kit.(Di ba, Lorraine?)

7. trail foods were meant to be eaten and not preserved.

8. once yu reach the camp site eat & replenish your energy; do not sleep immediately.

9. Bring some alcoholic drinks/wine to keep you warm.

10. remember to bring out your water bottle from your bag before using it as a makeshift pillow.

11. Don't get sick. (period!)

12. Next time, aim to climb the summit at noon, when the temperature should be higher.

13. Bring herbal medicine (paututan ata yung tawag sa binigay sakin ni Kuya Alex. :P)

14. Bring a dual sim phone--for Globe plus another sim.

15. Ang paglalakad sa bundok parang life lang. Smile at people you meet. Pag pagod ka na, take a break then keep walking. Pag nadulas ka, get up right away and say "Ok lang ako." (para may "Miriam Quiambao" effect)

16. Share your life with others; never assume you are going through anything alone. Pag umuulan, basa ka na, mag-isa ka sa tent, at may gin ka, maghanap ka ng kasamang iinom. For all you know, there are people out there, in the same predicament, who'd be willing to drink with you.

17. Be kind to others who like pink. Down the road, they may become your friends.

18. Cruelty to animals should really be banned. But after a Pulag climb, if they serve you pinikpikan, be appreciative.

19. Make sure your sunblock won't spill. Pero ok lang if you have friends who'd be willing to use it/let you apply it on them.

20. Don't wear your school jacket on a climb (so you don't, in any way, "injure" the name of your school).

21. In a parallel universe, people who weren't nice to you/have hurt you may actually be the ones who would lend you a hand.

22. Bringing up clothing to keep you warm is rendered pointless when you have not kept them dry.

23. Never underestimate the power of body heat. It's best to set aside malicious thoughts on unusual body contacts.

24. Laughing can keep you sane (& alive) through a long, arduous night.

25. It is important to pray. It should've been done together as a group.

26. The mini stove is essential, not optional.

27. You can trust strangers (who have passion for climbing).

28. You may grumble all you want all night, but you realize in the morning you really don't regret having joined the climb in the first place. You even say it was a great experience. (Crazy, right?)

29. You may be cold to the bones, but it warms your heart upon encountering nice people.

30. You envy those who snore. They were able to snooze unlike you.

31. The summit is not the be-all of climbing. Not having reached it doesn't make the experience any less worthwhile.

32. You develop a leveled-up respect for mountaineers.

33. It was good not knowing you're embarking on a "major" climb, but rather be deceptively comforted it was a "beginner's" trail; cause you would've not joined and then missed all the fun.

34. You've got to balance your need to quench your thirst with your tolerance to pee (in the hole or anywhere).

35. Even if it was inconvenient, you still got to try your best to be clean & hygienic because you have company.

36. An adventurous spirit gives you a happy disposition.

37. Remember to bring your mobile phone when you decide to buy food in any bus stop over; for all you know your friends are trying to contact you because the bus is leaving.

38. Even up in the mountains, gender equality exists. Female porters & guides anyone?

39. Not because you are up in the mountains doesnt mean you have to leave courtesy back in the city.

40. You won't have time for photo ops when your hands are full.

41. There's always a first time for everything. Don't be discouraged if things didn't turn out the way you expected it to be.

42. Even in the hardest times, you"ll surely find simple things that will make you smile.

43. Take as many pictures as you can while you're still on the trail.

44. Having no access to the cyberworld for a day or two is not that bad after all.

45. Jogging once a week cannot be considered enough physical preparation.

46. It's true what they say that you get to know another person better when you travel with him/her.

47. Extreme cold weather will make your body shiver; even body parts you seldom use.

48. Be not afraid to eat all your packed food during your stay. Due to the cold weather your body will burn the food that you ate & turn it into energy to provide body heat.

49. One way to punish yourself is to go on a trek without proper rest and/or training.

50. During the trek don't pant. Just breathe.

51. Eat foods that are rich in fiber like apples if you're not comfortable using the open pit.

52. DIY trip is more exciting, adventurous and way cheaper.

53. Bring cards/ice breaker.

54. Everyone has a story to tell. Kelangan lang mangulit ng konti.

55. As the saying goes, "pag gusto, may paraan". Never lose hope even when everyone around you is telling you otherwise.

56. No matter how much you try not to tell your sick friend what she/he is going thru, there will always be some one who will do it for you. (then you're left with your eyes wide open)

57. It's not cool to say "chill!" to somebody suffering due to the cold weather.

58. The park superintendent is a fascinating mix of a stand-up comedienne and a doting mother

59. It won't hurt to check weather forecasts before a major climb. For your own safety, believe PAGASA.

60. Before a climb, do more research on risks and first aid. (On the other hand, ignorance can also be indeed bliss. You won't panic.... you'd just suffer calmly. And when they tell you it's hypothermia, you just accept it and ask yourself: "Ano kaya talaga ibig sabihin nun?")

61. Never assume that tents are waterproof.

62. During desperate times, go where your guides are. They are most likely in a better place.

63. Efficascent oil may make you smell like an elderly, but they will definitely help keep you alive. So pili kalang: you smell old but are alive, or you continue to suffer dahil maarte ka. :P

64. An anti-social tent is a tent in need.

65. When you have to go, you have to go. just turn your back on the tent population, face the fog and release.

66. Don't be shy/afraid to ask for help. Dial a friend/ask around.

67. Angels are everywhere. You can even find them in the mountains.

68. Mountain climbing is a good form of bonding not just for friends but also for families.

69. Laying under the sun is not limited to the sandy beach alone. It can also be done up in the mountains.

70. Going on a mountain trek is always best done with a back pack to free up both your hands.

71. Let your loved ones know that you're going on a climb. It's even better if you give them the contact numbers of your companions so that they'll know who else to contact if they can't reach you.

72. Bring barf bags.

73. Be sure to have enough sleep before the climb if you don't want to collapse along the trail.

74. Colorful and oversized raincoats may look baduy down here in the city, but it's more than a fashion statement up there in the mountain.

75. Seminars and briefings can be a drag in some sitch but this one you have to take. It could spell a big difference between safety & disaster.

76. Take note of emergency numbers/hotlines.

77. It's fascinating to know that even strangers care.

78. The picturesque sights of the unusual flora at the biodiverse mt. pulag can take your breath away, even as you're still catching your breath from the long climb.

79. It's way more astig to get on top of a monster jeepney, than making sabit on one. (for picture taking lang ha)

80. The ride on a long, winding, & bumpy road won't stop you from still trying to catch some snooze.

81. You couldn't care less about sunbathing in the middle of a crowd on a campsite when your back badly needed to lie flat. (you even thought that onlookers were envious. haha!)

82. Up in the mountains with cold weather & 12 hrs down pour, re-using your soiled clothes to keep you warm had never been so practical.

83. Given the chance, i would not mind buying 2-3 extra butane to keep us warm.

84. Singing will take your mind off the trail distance you have to cover.

85. Your body will be filled with air because of the cold weather up there. It will be hard to control releasing that fart/gas out of your body. :P

86. Body heat will run out eventually.Thus, lesson #48.

87. There is such a thing as altitude sickness. Thus, as in life, don't rush climbing up the mountain. Walk slowly; take the time to smell the flowers.

88. Doctors can be nice cheerleaders. Especially when they tell you to just improve your cardiovascular system to lessen risks of altitude sickness, but to proceed with what you want to do. Because "maraming masaya sa Pulag, sayang naman kung di ka pupunta" (or something to that effect. I wanted to hug her!)

89. Seemingly bad experiences are very rich sources of very valuable, life-saving lessons.

90. Every travel is full of learning. Kaya, san ang next destination natin?

91. Learn to appreciate the small things. That slight ray of sunshine could be the last warm thing you'll feel way before you get to pitch tent.

92. To answer Q90: Because it's a wet summer, the next destination this year should definitely be NOT another climb. (Example, beach, para makapag-sunbathing si Mae.... :D Peace!)

93. Early morning rain in mt. Pulag can make you produce smoke when you're talking. (kala ko movie effects lang dati)

94. At the DENR station they sell hand gloves; and they're not just for souvenir.

95. It is always nice being with kindred spirits, but more so going on an adventure with them.

96. When sick & you're up in the mountain, you'll think of creative ways to get help.

97. Before you start your trek, get some nice picture of your group. It'll be the last time you'll get your hands free to do it.

98. A weekend like that can change you.. and the way you feel about somebody.

99. From camp 2, ang summit parang crush lang: so near yet so far.

100. You can actually learn 100 lessons in Mt. Pulag. Enumerating these lessons will squeeze out the creative juices in you.

This is the list that would be nice to go through whenever we would like to reminisce that weekend we almost regretted having.

smileepy

how easy it had always been for you to make me smile
to make me laugh in the middle, deep inside
that is when you'll see me looking so sleepy
because that's how i am when happy
like i could sleep from sheer contentment

maulan kasi

ganitong maulan ang panahon
kung pwede lang hindi na babangon
palagay ko ikaw ay sasang-ayon
pipiliin mo ding nakakumot maghapon

ngunit sana ikaw ay kapiling ko
hindi iyong nagte-text lang tayo
ipagpapalit ko itong paboritong kumot
basta sa yakap mo ako'y mababalot

matitiis mo ba ang aking paanyaya
o nais mo din kayang madama ang hiwaga
na dulot nitong ulang ayaw tumila
gaya ng isip kong sa iyo nangulila

ngunit sana huwag mo nang patagalin
ang paghihintay ko sa iyong pagdating
sandaling mo mang lulusubin ang buhos
ginaw papawiin sa yakap kong sasalubong

damdamin ko'y humihiyaw sa tuwa
tuwing umuulan at kapiling ka

-basil valdez

(nung araw na maulan nga, pero wala naman talaga akong ka-text)

reclaimed blog

wow. i just reclaimed my blogspot account. i created it in 2004 and the last entry was in 2006. that had been half a decade since. i just found out that blogger was merged with google. i was even a little scared that i would not be able to recover it because the email i used back then was no longer in existence. it helped that i still had that single password i used for signing in almost all of my internet-based accounts. so here i am posting a re-entry post.

even though i had nothing sensible to say. because after all these years, i still just mumble and murmur about my musings...