mumblings & murmurs of my musings

smileepy

2012-01-19T05:50:00.000-08:00

how easy it had always been for you to make me smile
to make me laugh in the middle, deep inside
that is when you'll see me looking so sleepy
because that's how i am when happy
like i could sleep from sheer contentment

maulan kasi

2011-11-22T06:26:00.000-08:00

ganitong maulan ang panahon
kung pwede lang hindi na babangon
palagay ko ikaw ay sasang-ayon
pipiliin mo ding nakakumot maghapon

ngunit sana ikaw ay kapiling ko
hindi iyong nagte-text lang tayo
ipagpapalit ko itong paboritong kumot
basta sa yakap mo ako'y mababalot

matitiis mo ba ang aking paanyaya
o nais mo din kayang madama ang hiwaga
na dulot nitong ulang ayaw tumila
gaya ng isip kong sa iyo nangulila

ngunit sana huwag mo nang patagalin
ang paghihintay ko sa iyong pagdating
sandaling mo mang lulusubin ang buhos
ginaw papawiin sa yakap kong sasalubong

damdamin ko'y humihiyaw sa tuwa
tuwing umuulan at kapiling ka

-basil valdez

(nung araw na maulan nga, pero wala naman talaga akong ka-text)

reclaimed blog

2011-09-01T07:35:00.000-07:00

wow. i just reclaimed my blogspot account. i created it in 2004 and the last entry was in 2006. that had been half a decade since. i just found out that blogger was merged with google. i was even a little scared that i would not be able to recover it because the email i used back then was no longer in existence. it helped that i still had that single password i used for signing in almost all of my internet-based accounts. so here i am posting a re-entry post.

even though i had nothing sensible to say. because after all these years, i still just mumble and murmur about my musings...

tongue-tied

2006-05-03T02:42:00.000-07:00

sometimes i like to say thank you
for not just knowing me, but for understanding me
for needing me and for empathizing with my troubles
for smiling when i try to make you do
or when you are trying to make me too

there are times i want to plead you to stop bugging me
because it is hard to keep this friendship on the surface
when beneath it is something else, something vulnerable
or because it could be that i am being played upon

at times i intend to tell you how sorry i am
for believing that you could have fought for me
for hating you for unconsciously hurting me
for loving you too much, perhaps more than you can bear
sorry for trying, but failing, to forget you

times come when i feel like bidding you goodbye
because i am wasted and weary of this wicked cycle
of hanging around when i am strong
and then of staying away when i am weak

there will be times i wish to express
how much you are loved by me
although i could barely say i miss you
i pray that somehow you could feel this love
a love that would never leave you lonely

but most often i never knew what to say
i could not decide which to tell first or which to omit
i could not find the words or the way to start
when all at the same time i am needing to tell you:
thank you
stop bugging me
i am sorry
goodbye
i love you

pagtingin

2005-11-19T01:44:00.000-08:00

maaari bang
panoorin lang kita
at hindi muna kausapin

nais lang kitang tingnan
nang walang alinlangan
habang ika'y tumatawa
nagmumukmok
nakikipagkwentuhan
walang ginagawa
o nagmamasid din

gusto ko sanang
huwag mo munang pansinin
kung ako'y nananahimik
pagmamasdan lang kita
na panatag ditong
nagpapaanod sa panonood

dahil hanap kong damhin
na nariyan ka lamang
na walang dapat ipag-alala

at kapag kasama kita
kahit hindi na kita tingnan
sapat na
basta kapiling na kita
sapat na

(para ito sa isang nakilala.. kaso hindi na pwede.. haaayy sadness..)

tuwing umuulan

2005-10-19T17:58:00.000-07:00

tuwing umuulan
naaalala mo ako
dahil kaya may dala itong lungkot
kung kaya nais mong may makasama?

sa t'wing uulan
ika'y nagpaparamdam
at sinisimulan natin ang pag-uusap
tungkol sa mga bagay na lumipas

taglay ng pagbabago ng panahon
ang pareho nating pagpapaanod
sa mga damdaming inaalala
at ito'y ating kinasanayan

kaya't kung dumarating ang ulan
alam kong maaalala mo ako
di ko na lamang tiyak
kung mas una na kitang naiisip

marami na ang pagbuhos
na tayo ang magkaramay
nagpapalipas ng lumbay
nang-aaliw, nagpapaaliw

ito man ay lilipas din
darating ang tag-ulan
na maaaring ako'y maalala mo
ngunit di ka magpaparamdam
itong ambon ay magdadala ng mga patak
na galing sa mga mata

moonstruck

2005-09-29T02:15:00.000-07:00

[adj.1.mentally deranged. 2.dreamily romantic or bemused.]

the moon was full that night. it had been an exhausting day but the cool breeze relaxed my body. it had been weeks since then on one of those weekly gatherings but it didn't become the usual night because someone happened to be sweet to me again. was he really sweet or was he simply inspired to be a little more nice to me, i couldn't tell. but perhaps, i had only been moonstruck.

he used to have my heart about 3 years ago. but i took it back when it seemed he didn't want to have anything to do with it when he broke it unintentionally. he knew it and he was sorry.

that night, he was suddenly in his mood of years back of being close to me.

i was in my solitary moon-watching outside the assembly room when he distracted me. he had nothing particular to say. i had forgotten the last time just the two of us talked for that long. we get to meet a lot of times but always with our group of friends. so there was unease and some nostalgic feeling in me the whole time we were together. when i commented about how beautiful the moon was, he agreed saying that it was romantic because it was full. he had engaged me in a conversation while we keep looking at the sky.

i wondered if he had sensed my uneasiness. i wondered if he remembered the past. i wondered why i was wondering. i wondered whether it could be because i still have special feeling for him, or only because of its memories. i wondered if he misses me the way i miss him at times. i even wondered if i should be bothered by it at all.

weeks had passed since then. i knew there was nothing to that unusual encounter with the man i loved. there was only a memory to recall, on that night a dreamer bathed under the moon.

keeping dry

2005-08-24T18:46:00.000-07:00

it rained all of a sudden one high noon. i didn't have my umbrella with me; i had my sunglasses instead. feeling all alone, i found shelter in a lobby of a building where i had managed to run to before the heavy downpour. i felt so helpless that my spirit was dampened than my body had avoided to be. i was worried being stranded as i won't be able to accomplish what i had to do in the little time i could afford for the task. i would be damned for that lapse.

of the few things i had with me then, i was most thankful to have my cellphone. someone had kept me company in my unexpected misery. of the people who could have been the one to console me, i was glad that it was him who allowed to be bothered. it so happened that he started some catching up thru texting before it rained. and so it was to him that i expressed my woe. he said words to ease my worries.

my spirit was damp. but he prevented it from becoming drenched, for the way he was concerned had brought in a little sunshine. it had not brought me out of trouble from work and school, but he had kept me dry somehow.

morissette & mraz

2005-08-22T23:27:00.000-07:00

Alanis and Jason. They're my top favorite music artists. It got me excited to have learned that they did a concert tour together. Excited only about the idea, and of course not of getting the chance to see them together. How could that be? Unless i won an all-expense paid trip to see the show. I'm not sure if it would matter that I'd have no company, the free ticket was not even possible. Anyway, it really was thrilling for me. I could only wonder how they would present their distinct kind of music in one show.

Alanis is celebrating the 10th year of her jagged little pill (JLP) album. Could you believe it had been that old? I remember my highschool & college days when i used to yelp with her songs which i memorized (even the tongue-twisting angsty parts) and which i never get tired of playing over and again with my guitar or on my cassette player. I listened to her tapes even if they've become old. I loved her up to the next few albums that she released, although she wasn't as phenomenal in later years. JLP had been my most favorite album for a long time, that's for almost a decade.

Then Jason introduced himself to me through his Waiting for my Rocket to Come album. His music was not something that i liked on the first impression. Actually, i only got curious of the album when i chanced upon reading the lyrics. How i loved the lines! And so i purchased the album at the time when YOu and I Both was already on the airwaves, meaning when it has long been released with the first single Sleep All Day. I liked many of the songs then pretty soon, they grew on me (as they say), and i decided the album to be my most favorite. Sleep All Day even became one of my top fave songs, considering it never appealed to me when it was a hit. So there, i memorized more tongue-twirling lyrics of Mraz' fast songs.

It makes me happy knowing that they appreciate each other's music. I never imagined they'd have some connection since they don't make the same type of music. But maybe they do, on the aspect of making reflective, personal, and thoughtful songs- the things i love about their art.

Alanis released an acoustic version of JLP. Jason came out with Mr.A-Z, containing 3 original songs. Can i hope that one day soon they'll do a concert together here?

(BTW, i'm also wishing that Rivermaya & Bamboo will do a back-to-back concert. My friends said it could never happen. But should it be possible, it surely will be a blast.)

due to the insistent demand...

2005-07-27T22:08:00.000-07:00

of chum, i'm writing this entry. but since i was only compelled by her insistence, including on those occasions when we personally talk, she might not be pleased by this kind of response. because there will be no update to be discussed. at least she gets to read this entry in her honor(?). hehe! friends can make demands. and because we love them nonetheless, we sometimes try to give them even a semblance of what they ask for. it just goes to show that we truly care for each other. isn't that right, chum? peace!

schumacher

2005-05-30T23:55:00.000-07:00

This is not about Michael. I didn’t know who that Schumacher is. Everybody knows that racing icon but I never heard about him as I never got into the racing world. But lately, I learned a few things about him, including Formula 1 and the cars, through some friends and from a magazine. I suddenly got interested, that’s all. How come?

This is not about Michael’s brother who they said is also a racing driver. I just checked that his name is Ralf.

This is not about Joel. I didn’t know him either. I did come across his name on some films- Joel Schumacher Films. But I could not identify any one right now nor could I describe what kind of a filmmaker he is. It's easy to know about that from the net, though.

This is about someone who’s not a Schumacher at all. One of his nicknames starts with the letter “A”. We were in the silent part of our conversation one night on the ride home when I whisper-read “Schumacher” from a mudguard of a jeepney.

He saw that, but I didn’t expect he’d heard me read it. Then he asked if I watch racing. I said no, there’s just a Schumacher of the film that was familiar. End of the subject. It’s been several weeks since then but I would not let him know that I learned who Michael of the racing is. That’s not my point for getting interested.

I find wonder in how it came to be that “Schumacher” will always be associated with him. It amuses me that some force had made me want to know about Schumacher of racing by that little talk... I’m aware of my special feeling for “A”. I’m aware of his special feeling for me, too. But there’s nothing about it I’m willing to discuss. They’re trivial things that are supposed to amount to nothing. One time he told me the brand of milk he buys for his infant son. So you see, this isn’t about any Schumacher at all. It’s about other things I could not tell about.

Hello!

2005-05-22T02:15:00.000-07:00

Hello bloggers!

just want to announce that im still alive. wahehe! it's been almost 2 months since i last posted an entry. i missed it. siguro wala nang dumadayo sa blog na ito. i had many things to blog about but i had missed writing them here. sayang! oh well, i have my mini diary to refer to those experiences, beautiful & tragic, that i failed to share here.

that doesn't mean na hindi na ko nagpupuyat. madalas pa rin. pero hindi na sa internet. few minutes na lang ako sa computer pag nasa bahay. sa office walang internet. kasali kami sa 4day workwk. so when i get home from work, i stay up for only a few hours- to eat, watch tv, fix self & things. sometimes i turn on the PC just to check email & download photos. there are days when i come home at past midnight when we have meetings related to sfc. like i always say, i feel like i always don't get enough sleep. but im not complaining. nasabi ko lang yun kaya di na ko nagpupuyat sa computer.

pero ngayon nagpupuyat ulit ako. naawa kasi ako sa blog ko. ang plain na nga ng layout, wala pang content. haaay! salamat kina sheryl, chum, & pj na napadaan dito, pero pasensya na din. most likely, hindi ko na ito maa-update palagi. andami ko bagong priorites. this is the time of my life when i wish i were smarter, stronger, & better person just to do those things i want to do in the limited time that i have. or i wish i have more time & energy for them. don't we always wish that way? isn't this about being older? we don't have these wishes when we were younger, i think.

super uso na pala ngayon ang friendster blog no? i still don't have it. & i may not gonna have 1 anytime soon. baka nga never.

o sya! nag-update lang talaga ako. gusto ko lang magka-entry for this month. yun nga lang, walang kwento. walang kwenta? wahaha! whatever! hope you're all having a fine time...

bye bye, sir

2005-04-01T03:44:00.000-08:00

my boss' resignment becomes effective today. when he told me last month about his resignation for a better job opprtunity, i accepted it with a silent sadness. the thought of his diminishing days of stay in the office was breaking my heart. finally, sir's last day as a counsel for a government agency arrived.

later, sir will be reporting to a new office- surely very unlike the unsophisticated workplace he left. sir will still be performing his usual stuff as a trial lawyer, more or less, with better compensation. later, i will go to work and sir won't be in his table as usual. only this time, it's not because i arrive earlier or he appears in a court hearing somewhere. sir simply won't be expected to be there anymore.

sir was basically the only boss i ever had, as i am in my first job for more than 3 years now. sir had been an ideal one of a kind employee of our agency and boss to me that i considered myself lucky to be assigned to him. sir not only works honestly, he has passion for his work. i fear that i may never have or find a boss who is half as good. those who know us have observed that sir and i have an effective tandem.

i will definitely miss him very badly. i don't know how i will get through my day later, or all the coming workdays with this great change. i shall eventually get used to the adjustments in the office. and i hope to have a good relationship with whoever i will get my instructions from.

i learned so many good things from sir. he has inspired me with his passion and endearing character. he is out of my worklife now, but he will be one of the top unforgettable persons i value in my life.

not from me

2005-03-08T09:45:00.000-08:00

while we were walking with our other friends one midnight, u suddenly walked to a store and bought a cigarette. that's just the way u always do it, u leave without a warning, then u return just as silently as u left, and already smoking. but i wanted to comment on your habit once again.

u told me last year that u would quit smoking, i reminded u. then u explained that one could not just stop smoking, that it's a gradual process. u said u have reduced the number of sticks u consume in a day, from 10 to about 5 now. u were very proud of that. i noted that it was fairly good considering that it's an addiction that's hard to fight. our other friends also encouraged u to work on it harder.

we were walking on. i was recalling that time last year when we were conversing about new year's resolutions. u didn't have any so u asked me what resolutions i'd make if i were u. u said u would not get offended with whatever i come up with. u liked the only 2 resolutions i suggested so u made them as your own for that year. i wondered if u remember that but i did not bring it up. it had been over a year then as we walked on while u smoked away.

then u declared, with a cackle as if u were joking, that u’d finally end the habit “pag may nagpatigil”. i held back any response i might have given that time. i dared not clarify what u meant by that because u could have meant someone. and not anyone. had i been certain it could be anyone, i might have risked my worth on u again. just one more time. but then it could be someone. so i kept the mumblings in my head until we parted ways.

(this is for “w” who i loved. i let go of him some years back but there were relapses of my non-platonic love for him.)

sitting pretty in bora

2005-02-28T03:35:00.000-08:00

last weekend 1st times:
-to ride on a plane
-to join the sfc ilc
-to wear 2-pc in public
-to be in boracay
that shall definitely not be the lasts

because of the boy beside me

2005-02-16T02:55:00.000-08:00

he chose to sit next to me in the church
or maybe, it just so happened
the nearness was making me weak
oh no, it was leaving me breathless

and so i only heard the words in the mass
without finding meaning in them
as the boy beside me was just beside me
being silent, breathing in and breathing out

i could feel his every little movement
while mine was restrained to avoid skin contact
i could see his skin and hair without looking
we were so close, that idea had taken me over

with the choir's songs, i only lipsynched
so he wouldn't hear the tremble in my voice
and so i could listen better to his voice
in which my heart drowned in enthrallment

the boy beside me left me breathless
how was a girl supposed to deal
with the joining of hands during a prayer
with his little comments about nothing

i had been such a girl last sunday
because of the boy beside me

Rico of Rivermaya

2005-02-03T14:45:00.000-08:00

i still love this guy
after all these years
(after a decade)
i still do

i got so lucky! aargh!

2005-01-13T22:35:00.000-08:00

Last Sunday, I lost my cellphone (Nokia 6150 with antenna & worn housing) in the church. I realized the phone was not with me only a few minutes since I last used it and I couldn't tell how it was taken from me. Someone got interested in my outdated phone, to think that so many attractive phones make mine look rubbish. Well, probably to the thief, as it was to me, it was vintage.

That phone had such a high sentimental value. It was given to me third-hand 3 years ago. It suited me perfectly and so I never wanted to replace it. It wasn't complicated to use. I didn't have to overprotect it from snatchers or from damage to sensitive & expensive parts. But it was now gone, along with the cherished things I put there. Its lost made me truly sad but I already accepted that it would never be recovered.

While still sad for not having my own phone yet (I couldn't buy a new one so I borrowed mama's for the meantime), I lost my shabby wallet this afternoon in the office. Isn't it my lucky week?

It happened just after lunch break. When I couldn't find my wallet in my bag, I declared so to my officemates. That was when 3 of them recalled they saw a woman earlier who went to my table like she was searching for something. They didn't suspect she was stealing as she could have been just one of our clients. (Our office is used to having visitors and clients who seek advice, follow-up actions on documents, request for notarization, etc.) I lost around 700pesos. The most painful was losing all my IDs and important cards. Some were totally irreplaceable. How could I not be deeply sad.

The wallet was a cheap one. That's not where I really put my money. Cash is in my purse and in my bag's inside pocket. The bills in my wallet were the crispy bills I kept like savings. Actually, it surprised me the previous night to have found a 500bill in the part where I keep some ID pictures. I discovered it last night as I was searching for a pocketsize photo I wanted to measure the size of. I thought I only have a couple of 50s or 100s there.

I lost so many important things in the wallet but it hurts me to discuss it. I couldn't start enumerating them all. I don't want to. Those things are gone. But when I prepare my affidavit of loss later, for purposes of replacing my cards, it cannot be helped.

You could say I had been careless, or stupid, or was karma-ed for being victimized twice within 5 days. Or you could even mention them jokingly, but it would never be nice to hear. Some people could be harsh, I realized again. It was bad enough that you lost things you value, without having to feel you deserved it for whatever reason. Anyway, there would always be friends who would really help and bring comfort.

I pray that there would be no more losses after these. I would be super extra careful from now on, but I would avoid becoming paranoid. Though I imagined it would have made me mad if it was my whole bag that was stolen!! (I may have to make some changes in my daily luggage.)

don't say it

2005-01-13T03:05:00.000-08:00

(to my grateful friend who has a wounded heart)

well, my dear, it didn't bother me at all. i am used to listening to other people's blabbers. not only because i like to and i care about you, but maybe, i also want that little favor returned somehow. you see, i am not exactly carefree or invincible. i have my own troubles. though you never heard of how shattered i was 2 yrs ago when you almost gave up something to protect me from a definite pain. but i was already hurt. and you just "almost" gave that something up; because you almost had it. you couldn't be blamed. we never discussed it but at least, our friendship was saved.

i am glad that you find sense in my remarks. you inspire me, too. because you are strong. and it feels good to be trusted. thank you, too.

silver

2005-01-12T22:55:00.000-08:00

it's the silver wedding anniversary of my parents today. they didn't get wed again, though that was how i imagined this particular occasion should be celebrated. i am just happy for them, anyway.

paglamig

2005-01-09T11:47:00.000-08:00

A friend texted asking how I am & telling that she misses me, as she’s used to always see me & it has been a while since we last got together (abt 10 days ago). That discomfited & turned me off, & now I feel like I’m such a bad friend for feeling that.

Nasanay ka
Kung kailan nagsawa na ako
Hindi na tayo magtagpo

Pasensya na
Ito’y hindi maiwasan
Hindi kita gustong saktan

Maaari man itong lumipas
Ayoko munang pilitin
Sana’y ‘wag mo nang hanapin
Ang dati kong lambing

It’s very cruel of me to mean this to a friend. I just feel that I can’t be sweet to her again like I used to. Our closeness has become too much for me for comfort. I suddenly don’t want her to be so attached to me. This is hard! I feel like using the word "clingy" here, but i don't know where to place it. I'm so mean!

missing him again

2004-12-31T02:52:00.000-08:00

why is it that i'm missing him more when he's making his presence felt once in a while than when he is totally absent?

here are some lines inspired by missing my "pare" (we are not really magkumpare. tawagan lang), but not dedicated to him~

how i'd love to see you again
even for just a few seconds
i would, if i could buy a single moment
of having our eyes met
of having the chance to smile at you
then i'd keep that single picture in my mind
of you smiling back at me

tonight, i'd like to have you in my dream
to feel like it was real
those moments that have gone
when i was still your princess
when i was your beautiful & nice friend

how i'd love to know
that you are missing me too

(sa lahat naman ng senti, bakit ako corny? haaayyy...)

play> (how abt w/ ur heart?)

2004-12-25T21:55:00.000-08:00

C’mon jam with me. I’ll try to strike the right chords of your favorite songs. We’ll play a crazy repertoire. I’m gonna rock your world. You’ll surely be the first one to get tired.

C’mon bring your racket. We’ll go smashing at the court. I’ll give you a good game for as many hours as you like. Though I perspire a lot, you’ll surely be the first one to give up.

Let’s play! We’ll have some fun. Don’t worry when you’re exhausted; You can always quit anytime.

How about our hearts? Let’s play with them, too...

my favorite things>>

happy holidays!

2004-12-22T03:38:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas to all!

I'm only trying hard to make an entry because it's been a long time since I last posted any. So, "Do you have the time to listen to me whine about nothing and everything all at once?" Let me blabber as I bore myself (& u, if u may) to sleep...

I'm not in the mood to think and work, but I want to get a lot of things done. Well, I believe you know how that feels. Times like these happen. It's hard to focus on one thing when there's so much you want to give your attention to. Now, I just want to have a new entry although there's really nothing I want to post on my blog. I will blabber more...

It's past 2AM. I have recently disciplined myself of getting up early to make it to the new 7am-4pm working hours for govt employees. I am not bound to break it anytime soon. So I have to wake up at 5am at the latest if I ever sleep at all. So good luck to me!

I miss badminton. The tourney was over. My partner made it only up to the semis. A sad thing. Last week championship was fantastic! My teammates playing for women's doubles who made it to the finals won. And so was the team I cheered for in men's doubles, in which game the 2nd & 3rd set needed tie-breakers. A happy thing! It was also the Christmas party of that badminton club. To add a little fun, they held raffle during breaks in the game where at stake among others were t-shirts, tumblers, shoebags, a racket bag, and the most coveted prize of a racket. After the games, the lucky winner of the grand prize was called and you guessed it right, it was me! A happy happy thing!

It was a Yonex Armortec 9000 which they said costs less than 2 thou. It's just right that I got it since I know most players in that club already have rackets that cost a lot more than that. And I'll be the one who would overwhelmingly appreciate it not only because my old racket's price is less than a third of the new one I got for free, but because it's so good enough for me to inspire me to play better. You see, I'm not good at this sport even if I am passionate about it, and I am not just being modest here. That racket has not yet been broken in. My friends who I play with are not around, if not very busy, for the holidays. Well, maybe I won't miss playing much while the holiday rush is on. I still haven't shopped for gifts!

Last weekend was spent on five different Christmas-related "get-togethers". Not much partying and exchange gifts these days, I think. Just getting together for food, drinks, and stories (or videoke) is enough for a quality fellowship. And it should always happen while it's dark. We sleep when the sun is up. But on weekdays, it cannot be the case. Haay...

Okay, I will stop blabbering now. I pray that I soon stop procrastinating. Isn't it time to make resolutions? I guess I need a lift in spirit. It's not that I'm sad. In fact, this yearend is way happier than my last one. And I am inspired! Don't you think it's contradicting to be inspired and be lazy at the same time? Oh well, I have a theory, and this has always been my finding - I lack sleep that's why I cannot focus and am disoriented most of the time. Didn't I just say I will stop blabbering now?!

I'll go to bed. Again, Merry Christmas to all! Godspeed...

in like

2004-12-06T01:32:00.000-08:00

I like you a lot
And I just write these pathetic lines
As I could not begin to tell you that
I really like you a lot

These words
Trying to express how I feel about you
Have nothing else to say but
I simply like you
They will never reach you

I can say it over and again
I like you, I like you, I like you
It will be written all around
It doesn’t say anything else at all

It will never reach you
I like you a lot
That’s what I know

(this is not dedicated to anyone. kunyari lang im "in like". whatevah!)

unsolicited

2004-12-05T23:48:00.000-08:00

I only had a few hours of sleep since I went to bed at 3am coming from the gig of Paolo Santos last night at altered native bar with my friends. And I had to get up early for the 8am mass where the choir I just joined was scheduled to serve.

This morning was the first time I joined the choir. Officially, that is. There had only been about two occasions when I happened to be with this choir group on service because I was with some members who are my friends. But I was not part of it. I had always resisted their invitation since I could not commit to it due to inconvenience in distance as I live far from their area of service, although I hear mass in a church in their place. This time, I finally acceded their invitation again since I really wanted to join a choir, not to say that they badly needed more persons to sing. And I was more than glad to help.

Also this morning, I got this request from two choir members for me to join their band they're trying to revive. As the lead vocalist, my dear! I couldn't believe they are seriously considering me. I heard them joked about it one jam session a long time ago, but I never imagined they'd really get to the point of courting me to join them. I was in such a hard situation surprised by it all, and knowing that performing was part of my fantasy. I have this big, hidden star complex, you know. There was no way it could be for real. I just can't do that, I told them stage fright, etc. It was such a pain hearing them plead, encourage, and trust me when I couldn't give a yes or a no. Neither answer could give me peace. Sigh!

(I have more kwento pa sana abt today e. kaso na-overwhelm na ko sa nasabi ko so far. im sure, more overwhelming pa yung next na nangyari kasi napasok na naman ako sa isang malaking responsibilidad. the yr ahead will surely be hectic. haay buhaay!)

Another thought. Despite the busy day and my dizziness, I still remembered that it had been a year since that day I spent a happy time with the guy I loved the greatest (i think) so far. I missed him again. And it don't look like I'll ever stop my wondering about him yet.

sleep

2004-12-04T04:02:00.000-08:00

i love sleeping. yesterday i had more than enough sleep. govt work was suspended due to the much feared super typhoon yoyong. it's already good news that this storm didn't do more damage than typhoon winnie or than what was predicted.

sleep is luxury to me. i don't think time spent on sleeping is ever a waste. i don't get enough of it so many times, so whenever i get the chance, u know what i do.

and i think there's another reason why im (more lethargic?) like this. apart from sleeping, im doing a lot of daydreaming. that explains why iv not been productive lately. i just want to think about my new crush. yikes! well, he's someone i like a lot but not the kind who would ever be for me. because he's a man who must be a decade and a half my senior, and must be married and have kids. there's always a "po" whenever i speak to him.

but i like him as he is. maybe he's my ideal man. i think of him as how a man should be. i just love his peronality! we're not close though. he is all nice! oh no, i can't start telling all the good things i see in him. it just won't be fair. i really have this big admiration for him. i can only hope that i'll meet a man like him who could be for me.

just the other day, he saw me while i was in a hurry busy texting and in a bad hair and greeted me, "good morning, del!" when i looked up, i just said "ay, good morning din po!" i got flustered instantly. that was when i began to realize i have a special feeling for him, though i find it really odd. i don't know, maybe it's the age difference and the certainty of his having a family of his own that makes it odd.

i see him a lot by accident. that's what iv been constantly replaying in my head. those fortuitous meetings are strange, not because of their form, but of their frequency. how could his passing by a place i happen to pass by at the same moment occur many times? of course it doesn't mean anything. it's just a happy thought. haha! (basta yun. tama na nga!)

flashback

2004-11-22T22:33:00.000-08:00

It’s a gloomy, rainy day today. Last year, November 22 was a Saturday. And it was a hot day. I remember it quite clearly.

It was a very hectic day for me. I got up early and readied myself for the several tasks ahead. When I left the house, I was carrying a heavy bag containing the materials I would need for a meeting later. I also brought an extra shirt, as I saw I’d surely be drenched in sweat long before the day was over.

So many tasks there were indeed that they took so much of my time and energy and compromised my other responsibilities. The stress and the heat were sure to have drained me. At close to evening, I changed into the shirt I brought before going to the meeting with my two friends. It was for our overdue project.

Since my friends had been waiting almost in vain for me since noon, they settled to work in one’s boarding house and not in our usual fast-food hangout. I knew I was looking so haggard when I met with them. I was really already exhausted that I just wanted to quickly finish my part in that project to be able to finally rest at home. But I had to get going with the work so I shouldn’t be thinking of rest yet. What a consolation that my host friend treated us with delivered stuffed-crust pizza.

Oh, I remember that day like it was only yesterday. It was the day I was swept away. Because someone I knew and loved, and still wondered about once in a while from three years back, showed up. He was offered a slice of the pizza. What an intrusion he was to our work. But then I was instantly stunned to mind the distraction he was making.

We started with a few words. Then more words were exchanged between us. Then I don’t know. In my mind, I can vividly playback the words and the scenes. But what happened to me was inexplicable. As something beautiful started between us. Something that changed me. From that moment. From that day…

It was one of those beautiful things that were not meant to last. It has then become something beautiful to remember. Like today, when a year has just passed since then.

But it is a gloomy day today. The pouring of rain doesn’t seem to ever end. What a suitable mood to reminisce a warm day a year ago.

Oh You, Charmer!

2004-11-13T21:32:00.000-08:00

Please stop
Don’t try to work your charm on me again
I just might yield to it so easily
And fall to romanticizing anything you say

How can you not simply forget me
When you already have someone?
Why are you still around
Bugging me with all your sweet nonsense?

Stop teasing me
Stop saying the nicest things

How can’t I resist your little game?
How do I keep on letting you hurt me?

(This is so corny, though this is how I feel. I’m a helpless romantic!)

Oops, Heart!

2004-11-09T20:33:00.000-08:00

There you go again, heart,
You're testing your resilience again.

How many times did you claim to have let go?
You're supposed to be moving on by now,
For goodness' sake!
Have you forgotten that you shouldn't have given in?

I'm afraid for you, heart.
You're on a standstill again.
Tsk tsk tsk! You can be so tenacious,
So dangerously tenacious!

There you go declaring again:
"I know where I stand.
I'm in control. Blah blah blah…"

Oh, heart,
You're in another jeopardy.
You're likely to be drenched in tears in no time.

But what's the point of this, heart?
You're as stubborn as ever!

sleepless

2004-11-03T12:13:00.000-08:00

why was i supposed to have slept 3 hours ago?

- i already didn't get enough sleep the previous night
- i didn't get my usual noontime nap in the office because i met up with my bestfriend from davao, since i love him and i couldn't let the only time we had to see each other pass
- i got very tired from pressure at work and new personal concerns
- i have a due work tomorrow which has to be impressive to make up for my lapses today from which i was reprimanded as they might cause a big trouble to the case handled by my boss attorney
- i need more energy since i'd be staying late the next day for a badminton practice
- i have to get up early to prepare what i'll wear to the office and the so many things i'll need to play badminton
- lack of sleep shows on my face and disorients my thinking

but it's past midnight and i'm not yet sleeping because, again, i got hooked on the internet. and i have yet to eat my supper and wash my face, at least. i'm damned!

Confession Part II (tnx 2 frndster)

2004-10-28T23:32:00.000-07:00

I haven’t said all in the first confession. Of course, I couldn’t say all, not only for the shame, but also for the triviality of it. Yes, it can get more trivial than this. But here I’ll speak of one night that happened more than a week after that call.

One day while at the office, a situation kept flashing in my mind - I was logged on to my friendster and was searching for his account using his email address. That act in my head was like a dream because I wasn’t deliberately thinking about it. I knew he didn’t have any friendster account as he said he didn’t have time for such. And there was really none when I tried searching for it a long time ago. So it surprised me that night, when I got home and did what had been flashing in my head during the day, to find that he already has a friendster account!

It was a very new account. Last log in was on the day that I called him up, and it seemed that it was also the day he signed up in friendster. There wasn’t much there. But it surely is his account because I put his email ad in the user search which months ago resulted in zero matches. No picture. The profile only contained his name, his age, his location, and had one friend in his list of friends. And in the required field of status, it was no shock to me at all that it indicated he is “in a relationship”.

It didn’t really shock me, because I already knew that he has a girlfriend. But I felt something weird. The information somehow awfully affected me. I couldn’t recall what went in my mind then. But I texted him something like this: Hi, jst saw u already hav frndster. it’s quite new. ddnt know ur in a rel. kaya pala u dnt ask me out anymore ksi di n un pwde. :c joke! niwey, gud luck in luv & career.

A little later, he replied that he just woke up from a weird and violent dream and thought it must be because of his present confusion at work. So we had a little exchange about it until he told me he had to do an assignment. Then I said something like: ok. do ur assgnmnt na. nxt time n kita intervw abt ur luvlife. secretive ka e, u tel me so many things abt urself xcept on dat subject. He replied that he was watching tv and wouldn’t do the assignment yet, so I may go ahead.

I asked him: who’s the lucky girl? gano n kyo ktagal? He answered something like: medyo matagal na. eversince college pa naman may gf na ko kaso nag-break kami. i have a new gf now. I replied: ya, u told me abt break-up w/ d old 1. san mo natagpuan c new 1? frm work? frm school? border? neighbor? He only reacted: andami mo naman tanong.ü

There was only one question. He obviously just didn’t want to answer it to which I know the answer. In my first confession, I said that I learned about his having a girlfriend months ago from a friend. It’s not that we have any common friend at all. My friend only happened to know him because they live in the same boarding house. So there… (Pardon my disorganized narration. I didn’t plan to give a lot of details but I’m afraid I got carried away.)

Receiving no response from him, I texted: di k n nga sumagot.it’s ok.2 personal e.bt il tel u it feels strnge knwin abt it only nw,cnsidrng ol dats bin sed.u may nt undrstnd wat i mean.i also dnt.sodntask. His reply: ur ryt, i dont understand wat u mean.

And so it became apparent that the things I considered to have been said between us were only things that have been joked about. I’d been so good in over-romanticizing. I’d been so wrong about him all along.

I told him to not mind my little strange feeling, and then said “nyt”. He said ok and good night.

I have yet to tell my friends about this foolishness. Maybe I’ll refer them to these confession entries anytime that I’m ready. So much for my happy ending…

Confession of a Foolish Girl

2004-10-24T01:33:00.000-07:00

This was one of the most foolish things I did. But I don’t seem to regret it now. Believe me, it was beyond my normal courage to have done it - I called him!

It’s been a couple of weeks ago when that fateful night happened. That had been the day after my birthday, and about two months of hearing nothing from him. It is to be understood that I have ceased communication with him when I casually learned from a friend that he has a girlfriend. It caused a pain I kept to myself and on that impulse I deleted his cell phone number in my phonebook. The affected me didn’t want to text him anything that might give off my distress.

We had been constantly communicating through texts but he never told me about his girl. That was considerably strange if you know that he had kept me updated about his life in a way that would give the impression he is unattached, not to say the little teases he would hint for us, which I would always dismiss because it makes me uneasy, considering the obvious, that I like him. So bad. It was strange keeping that part of him from me knowing we have some friendship, not to say that he was intending to go out with me again, which turned out to be empty words of intentions.

I couldn’t text him. But he could still text me. And I would know if it was him by the first four digits of the unsaved number, and of course, by the familiar way he would start a conversation. But he never texted. And that was unusual. And I wondered why. And I stopped myself from wondering because it was useless. Or because it was damaging me. And so it was that on the night of that second month, I summoned all the strength I could to finally call him. Not to say anything, but to know what he has to say, if there would be any.

Being home alone that night must have caused that force of inspiration, apart from my desire to stop speculating. I picked up the phone and asked for him. For almost a minute that I had to wait for him to get the call, I almost put the phone down. Then he was on the line. Yes, why? I really had nothing to say. Nothing. That was more of the unusual call when it was the caller who waits for the message. I couldn’t demand for him to tell me something, right? Good thing he asked how am I and commented why I didn’t just text. I said I’m fine and that I lost his number. He said he already gave me his new number, anyway, he would text it to me later. And so began our usual updates in life. Latest movies, troubles at work, next plans, blah blah blah.

He texted after that call and asked when is my birthday. How weird he asked. I told him so because it was only yesterday. He greeted me and asked what was I doing. I was already connected to the internet then so my very late reply didn’t get a response.

He never mentioned about his love life still. Not even when we were texting again about his plans and confusion at work to which he was feeling helpless about. Anyway, a few times I hinted on that subject to him, but he just wouldn’t yield to it. Oh, well.

I haven’t told anyone about this. My friends would probably understand my act, but I couldn’t yet start telling them. I’m still ashamed of such foolishness. This confession is supposed to be an outlet while I try to overcome the feeling of shame.

I'm MRAZmerized

2004-10-17T01:24:00.000-07:00

I’ve recently got myself a copy of Jason Mraz’ live album Tonight, Not Again: Jason Mraz Live at the Eagles Ballroom. It’s the best! Oh no, there’s no way that this is an attempt at reviewing that great CD. I just won’t give it justice. (See, I’m no good at making reasons, although I claim to be sensible. Yah, weird.) But I want here to express my love for Mraz music and my happiness for having the album.

Whoever likes Mraz music should have the CD. And surely, anyone who likes good music or good poems will not be disappointed to have it. Half of the tracks in the CD are songs that were previously unreleased, or if they were ever released somewhere, they’re not included in Waiting for my Rocket to Come album. His live versions are simply ah, mrazmerizing!

I said poems; here are a few lines from the song Unfold:

my hands are high
and I’m holding on, I’m holding on
and I figure that I, figure that I just might make it
and I’m waking empty
but seldom sleeping
and the words repeat breathing histories into stories untold
and I unfold

and here’s from the song Tonight, Not Again, written with Jenny Keene, who wrote the poem of same title from which the song was adapted:

The night.
She brushed her hands upon my flushed cheek
Smelled of childhood remnants of a dusty weeping willow
Clouds soothe, Shredded by the calico
Were oh so vast and quick as I was on my own now.
This time like every other time I believe that I never find
Another sweet little girl with sequined sea foam eyes
Ocean lapping voice smile coy as the brightest quiet span of sky
And I'm all alone again tonight not again, not again, not again.
And don't it feel alright. and don't it feel so nice. Lovely.

I don’t often rave this much about an album. Or about an artist, for that matter. I adore Jason Mraz for making the beautiful music that he does, for writing those songs, and for the passion he gives for his art. I find that passion most evident in his live performances such as in his Live in Manila concert early this year and in songs and videos that can be downloaded from the internet. So what a fortune that he came up with this live album.

When I thought of making this entry about the CD, I was afraid I’d only repeat saying “It’s great”. If I could write better, I would have properly described how good this Mraz album is. But to readers, just understand that I love the album and so I’m happy. This one’s something I will treasure.

A List of Some of my Favorite Songs:

2004-10-12T22:21:00.000-07:00

Here are just some of my favorite songs. Here are those that immediately came to mind, or among those that I’ve always declared and will readily enumerate as my fave songs, or those songs that people who know me can easily identify as my favorite. But of course, there must be countless other songs that I love to listen to, sing, and play on the guitar, over and over.

Uninvited by Alanis Morissette
Sleep all Day by Jason Mraz
Stay (I Miss You) by Liza Loeb
Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen
There’s No Easy Way by James Ingram
Everybody Hurts by R.E.M.
Gray Sky Morning (Best I Ever Had) by Vertical Horizon
Overjoyed by Stevie Wonder
If I Keep My Heart Out of Sight by James Taylor
Take a Bow by Madonna
Ulan by Rivermaya
Sunny Came Home by Shawn Colvin
Tabing Ilog by Barbie’s Cradle
True Colors by Cindy Lauper
Stuck in a Moment by U2
Again by Lenny Kravitz
Never Letting Go by Stephen Bishop
No Such Thing by John Mayer
My Stupid Mouth by John Mayer
Tonight, Not Again by Jason Mraz
You and I Both by Jason Mraz
King of Pain by The Police/Sting
Grow Old with You by Adam Sandler
Swept Away by Christopher Cross
You Were Meant for Me by Jewel

senti 'no?

bday senti

2004-10-09T21:55:00.000-07:00

I turned 24 yesterday. Although I was pressured to treat people out, I didn’t bother. No budget for that. But a few gifts still came, and some cards. Thanks to my thoughtful friends, especially to those who somehow found a way for me to celebrate the day. Because I really didn’t plan anything.

Now I wonder why I thought of friends who happened to forget. Some of them are close friends for years. I wonder how this time they failed to greet me. Not even a belated one, so far. Should that make me sad? I believe I shouldn’t, but I feel a little disappointed. It’s easier to accept for acquaintances to not care about your birthday, but not so with close friends.

So I’ll just have to accept that they’ve forgotten. For surely, it can’t be that they remembered but chose not to greet, di ‘ba? And still, some would’ve remembered had they not been so busy- as almost all my peers claim and complain to be- or had they not totally lost touch, which is a really sad thing. Sigh.

I’ve always reminded myself: people would come to my life, but there’s nothing I can do to make anyone stay. It’s beyond me- or my charms, or my coercion. Nothing. Not even my love. And I must also continually learn that I may not have to understand the so many “endings”, manifestly or not, that never ends to happen.

Anyway, I still feel blessed to have dear persons who never quit putting up with my weirdness. I’m grateful to those who keep in touch. I miss those who have lost touch. We may find each other again.

This birthday is more of the time when I reminisce people in my life than it is an occasion when I am remembered.

a blog as a diary

2004-09-23T02:02:00.000-07:00

i never intended for this blog to be sort of an online journal. but let me try it just for today-

this had been a very exasperating day. i only got to sleep for less than an hour because i was hooked to the net during the time i should've been lying in my bed. it was hard getting up knowing i could not take a leave from work again because that would have to be taken on the next next day. so i tried hard fighting sleepiness and in the effort, i appeared energetic. but my disorientation became invincible after lunch break when, after taking a nap, i couldn't bring myself to work. i thought i was going to be ill! but going home was not an option. i had an important meeting tonight.

so what did my disoriented mind come up with? halfday again! well, i went to a nearby salon owned by my tito to have a haircut. but not right away, i told him, 'cause i was feeling dizzy. and so he offered me a cubicle in his day spa. that was where i slept for two office hours. back at the salon for my hair trim and treatment, the stylist told me he thought i must be pregnant. no arguments, i showed some signs. haha!

i had the afternoon spent recharging, ready to spend the new energy for a long night ahead. at the mall, i returned rented vcds, bought a pair of slippers, and got disappointed over the unavailable size of my chosen cardigan. at the next mall, i met up with the team. we transferred to another house for the meeting. we were informed of our challenging tasks and the little time we have for them. then i was tired again.

at home, instead of resting, i'm in front of the computer screen again...

GK777

2004-09-22T02:58:00.000-07:00

an invitation-

on October 1 & 2, GK777 will be celebrating its 2nd anniversary at The Fort Bonofacio Global City. GK stands for Gawad Kalinga and GK777 expresses its vision of building 700,000 houses in 7,000 communities in 7 years. now, individuals and partners from corporations and international sponsors continue to grow in line with this dream of building the nation.

this is for our country, for its people, and for its children's future. i'm inviting all to get involved. if you know anyone who's a member of any CFC ministry, ask her/him about GK. it will be great if you can attend the event on October 2. there will be expo (exhibits) all day & night. concert on sat night. the artists are donating their talent fees to GK. we say, "no more slums". we say, "no one is too poor that he cannot help; no one is too rich that he cannot care". Kasali tayo dito!

Dear Pare,

2004-09-03T13:15:00.000-07:00

Hi there! I hope everything's doing well for you.

Uhm, well, my heart has just been broken. I've been pretending that I'm okay. You see, I'm not all that what-you-see-is-what-you-get type of person. It's just not easy to be true at times. Like these times, I put up a happy disposition despite the brokenness inside. If you'd only seen me today, you might find that I'm in an unusual hyperactive state. I'd laugh at the simplest blooper of my colleague. I guess I've already become used to keeping things to myself. But I can't escape this real loneliness, which is only stronger when no one is around.

Maybe the man only needed a distraction. So when he came around, after two years of no contact whatsoever, and just out of a long-term relationship, he tugged at my heart without so much of an effort, that I must be more distracted than he wanted for himself. After all, he was the man I fell for years ago, who I still thought of once in a while and hoped to see again one day. The day came. And my heart couldn't help but fall instantly. That was really crazy, pare! I didn't know why you once asked if I'm impulsive. I only replied that I don't think so. Maybe you think I am, don't you?

Pare, do I sound like I hate the man? 'Cause I don't blame him for my broken heart? It's not that I've been played, right? I understand that some people who come to our lives, including those we come to love deeply, are not bound to stay long. We can't make anyone stay. Though realizing that doesn't make me invulnerable, I shall give in to this acceptance. I'll be fine, pare. And I hope you will also pray that it will be soon.

Anyway, it's so sad that you're drifting away. You may have no idea that you are loved this way. No idea that you caused me a broken heart. I will surely miss you, pare. But I'm letting you go.

*this is just a blog entry. unsent.

broken

2004-08-29T21:22:00.000-07:00

I'm lost.
These times, I've become a different person. It feels like I've been kissed by a "dementor" - that I can't be happy anymore. It feels like tonight, I can write the saddest lines. But I'm not good with words. I only try to write to unburden my heart. But no, I don't make sense! There's nothing to unburden because my heart is a void. Can emptiness be a heavy thing? Maybe it's that unbearable lightness of emptiness of the heart. Am I on in an infinite sadness?

I had thought I'm a hopeful romantic. I'm the kind who seems always inspired. I'm passionate. I love deeply. I love until it hurts. I have to kill myself to stop loving. But I'm not suicidal. So now I'm lost. I don't want to love, but I can't not love. I'm lost! It doesn't make sense.

your smile

2004-08-12T20:41:00.000-07:00

i begged for your smile
because it is my reason to smile
but you gently refused
so i started to pout
then you looked down
and just as suddenly looked up
showing me a lopsided smile
i loved so dearly
and i gave out a laugh
that you could not resist to share

(written while waiting for my turn in a bank; 01/28/04)

1st entry

2004-08-09T01:08:00.000-07:00

oh well, i have really nothing to say. i just wanted to post something as soon as i joined this blogspot thing. it's past 1am & that's way past my bedtime, so...